Sunday, 23 March 2014

Ice Bear Cometh part 2 : Bologna Book Fair

The Ice Bear's Cave
New Version to The Ice Bear's Cave by Mark Haddon currently doing the rounds at the Bologna Children's book fair with Harpercollins books. Completed early February. (Oils on canvas)

Bologna Book Fair 24th - 27th March

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Anchorman 3 : The Future is Burgundy Part 11 it's Elevenses!

The Future is Burgundy
Ed Harken slash Ed Hocken a'la Harken after Hacker time after you've drunk Red Rock Cider – 'It's not red and there's no rocks in it' and the world of shadows becomes step out of the light!

Champ: Hey Ron do you know what comes after X?

Ron: Nope!

Brick: Why?

Veronica:'s eleven XI! E.l.e.v.e.n  Do I have to spell it out for you?

Ron: You just did

Fantana: Legs Eleven..those girls were hot on Top of the Pops

Champ: Wrong Mr Semi-Tough. They were Legs & co - I've just seen the youtube clips.

Back in the Age of less reason than now no less... 

Ed Harken: Listen up team, I need you to focus. I'm taking a gamble with 50% revenue slashed off our advertising exposure, there's no Liberty Ships in divergence on the horizon and our sponsors require us to merge in turn.

Ron: Was that in Spanish? You know I don't speak Spanish

Champ: What the hell is Liberty Ships in divergence?

Fantana: I think it's an ugly duckling of speech convergence

Ron: I think it's a stinking Whale of a problem...

Brick: I think it's a good line. I love...lines on TV. I'm still made out of pixels. I'm a pixel Brick

Champ: Do you know what the say about blubber...blubber is the BBQ chicken of the beaches!

Ron: Boy did that Whale EXPLODE! The 70's, we just made everything up as we went along. None of this over anal-lysing BS


Veronica: Didn't the Chinese see this..they blow up a frozen river? It's catching on...

Harrison Ford: It's a damn good line and it's worth repeating. I'm gonna say it as Mack Tannen and you've got to be Finnish soon...

Ron: As a Mexican we never like to finish. I have a whole book on revolutionary tales to decipher..but I don't speak the lingo and it's not in my DNA and that's known as longistics.

Veronica: Linguistics Ron

Q & A - I would brew a cup of Tea before U open a beer or have a glass of Vin this this is way long

Harrison Ford: At this bloggers age I was playing John Book as a cop being a carpenter in Amish country lets keep it real...the internet is such a time consumer

Ed Hiccup: Yeah like TV but I don't watch that now. Especially after 'Sherlock' finished. You know Ridley Scott directed Blade Runner at the same age..somewhere along the line I made career mistakes. Although, come to think of it I can't act or direct...

Harrison Ford: Or tell jokes you're a lousy writer son but don't give up the day job

Ed Hiccup: Okay Dad!? What the hell was Spielberg thinking when he said you were too old to play Indy at fifty? Look at Tom Cruise he's still running around all soldier hero and sci-fi stuff in Edge of Tomorrow!     (*note this trailer actually is a 'spoiler' I think the whole plots in there)

Harrison Ford: Yeah but have you seen the metal body frame? He needs that to get around. It's not the years pal it's the mileage...I take each mile as it comes and I never count 'em.

Ed Hiccup: With Sony knocking out two more Ironman films since Indy've got quite a bit of catching up to do?

Harrison Ford: Hell kid don't get cocky even Robert Downey Jnr needs a metal suit! I'm the real you see him sweating? Maybe after I'm done with going Solo again

Ed Hiccup: Fair dues. You were great as Jack Ryan too..what ever happened to that plot line?

Harrison Ford: Good Q&A. Who shot JR?

Ed Hiccup: It was Kenneth Branagh and Disney now owns Star Wars. The 21st Century is all weird. How is the Millennium Falcon by the way...

Harrison Ford: She was parked in the garage but our kids took it out for a joyride. Trying to do the old man out of the Kessel Run! ha. I always make sure I take out the Hyperdrive.

Ed Hiccup: So is Skywalkers's Legacy going well?

Harrison Ford: Uncle Luke always keeps tabs on his nephew and niece. I'm wary of his dark side and he's recently gone missing on Sinnarte or is it Korriban? I'm a rebel without a cause now...

Ed Hiccup: You mean Sinnarte is a planet where Sinartra lives or the Sith live? Or is it Moraband?

Lucasfilm Cool..Millennium Falcon   
Harrison Ford: Listen I just try and say whatever George writes. I'm the Commanding General and I have a whole Fleet to patrol the New Republic. Queen Leia's taken over her Mother's job on Naboo and up to all sorts in the new Senate so were kinda busy.

Ed Hiccup: Stay classy in that new Realm of the the way is Luke a King?

Harrison Ford: A Jedi King? Great I've been away for thirty years and everyone's giving themselves self proclaimed titles. You'd never guess but after Boba Fett was eaten Luke decided to clone Wicket the ewok and I'll tell you those fellas are a darn sight better shot.

Ed Hiccup: They're not gonna fight over the throne are they? Please don't let them clone Jar Jar binks

Ron: Nope! They do not have triple-barrelled names. This is not game of thrones

Harrison Ford: Back off I'm working now so get off my case...

Back to the Future...before the future became back to front and remember never go slideways 

Mack Tannen: Listen up team, I need you to focus. I'm taking a gamble with 50% revenue slashed off our advertising exposure, there's no Liberty Ships in divergence on the horizon and our sponsors require us to merge in turn.

Ron: Well I do believe Liberty Ships were merchant vessels to aid the convoy fleets during WW2 and they served a purpose to aid the shipping cargos that kept Europe from starving and I think we still do?

Fantana: I told you we didn't need to diversify?

Ron: I'm not going there again...I've done that bit

Champ: How long did they take to make?

Ron: They built Liberty ships in 70 days and the record was rivited in 4 ½ days

Ed Harken: I'm rivited to the spot you've got 4 ½ hours

Veronica: I wouldn't want to put a bet on it..

Fantana: Well don't bet against the Minesota Vikings, at home in the winter

Champ: What's the go here? We've got four and a half hours! Can't you give us four and a half days?!

Ron: Thanks Champ now I can do my segue. Who do you think we are? Robert E. Peary?

Brick: Who's segue?

Champ: They puty together so that we can mould it into a team effort

Fantana: We've got to make her our own, sail her and send her off to the 'roof of the world'. I always knew there was a sequel to the Sky Above The Roof

Veronica: You can hoist my sails

Ron: And I can drop the anchor

Fantana: I'll do the first bit

Brick: And I'll raise the colors..loud noises?!

Ron: We've got a problem. If there's no Liberty Ships on the horizon then the ships really going to hit the harbour?!

Ed Harken: And we don't want that in San Diego we've already had those Jurassic Park guys

Champ: Okay, we've got to think on our feet

Brick: What about our heads..(he really is standing on his head hahahahha)

Fantana: Brick get up

Champ: Can I wear your X-Ray specs Brick...I've booked my vacation on a Ryan Air Flight

Veronica: What's with the RAF?!

Fantana: Can't you remember the 7.63 bit?

Ron: Well there's nothing for it I'm lighting up another Burgundy line cigar...makes me think better and we're going to stoke another one and Mount Vesuvious if we have to

Veronica: I love it when you talk dirty Ron

Brick: I love...a happy land!!

Turners journal circa 1817
Ron: We've got to take bigger, huger humongous risks...without revenue without chains on wheels were just riding a unicycle on a breeze of Anchor apathy..and that's a low depression?   Brick give me a forecast? And lets not get a puncture that would bend the, this is much more like sticking a plaster to an even bigger problem...we're going to have to join....FOREIGN AFFAIRS!

Fantana: I love those Italian Channels! Italian women are an entertainment especially with ice cream!

Brick: I love BB

Fantana: Barbara Bouchet! Stunning...

Veronica: I'm photogenic too you know!

Champ: Real exceptional talent there

Ron: And Classy. HIGH CLASS in there anything higher than first class?

Brick: I love...Top Class

Champ: Can't we go to that other place in France that's called another Britain?

Brick: Brittany?!

Fantana: Oh, I thought you just said we're going to see Britney...I'm up for that

Ron: No it's more than just a place in the sun...were going to AFGHANISTAN!

Champ: Haven't the Russian just gone in and left..?

Veronica: Yes..that was a very quick decade Champ

Ron: Lets go Team!

Fantana: But we've just gone in a decade later & aren't we leaving soon?

Veronica: Guys you really let those decades fly...

Ron: What's the problem? What say you Intelligence dosser man...

Inside the Cobra operative room aka 'Spies like us'...

MI6: Didn't we tell you something was up when those Afghan guys hijacked a plane into Heathrow...was anybody paying attention? Was Cobra even around then?

Taliban: We just love to smash rocks up of idols...mostly pop idols we can't get the Cd's over here
CIA : Yeah like who spooked us on all the aeroplane pilot info.. 
FAA: Hey, don't look at us...
Hans Blix: I was the fall guy
David Kelly: I'm the scapegoat
Scott Ritter: I'm the red herring? Did anyone order my book?
Robin Cook: I was the Foreign Secretary for a tad and looking at the Intelligence Dossiers (and not the sexed up one) I knew Iraq was incapable of WMD's and posed no threat to the UK. This is going to be sooo I may resign over it too
Rumsfeld: I really don't give a shit if the brits are in on it or not. I shook hands with Saddam and Blair ok
FBI: It's not like we're going to stop people flying to Pakistan to train in these camps you likes extreme measures...

..retuning into the BBC 3 Griffin channel gone digital 

Peter Griffin: Lets go to Cuba and Internment you guys. Rent out the Seige it's all in there...

Lois Griffin: That's not internment Peter it's a totally different set of parameters

Stewie Griffin: Yeah parameters 12 ft high razor wire and electric shock treatment that's what that is

Brian Griffin: No that was Abu Ghraib prison

Stewie Griffin: God we're quite cruel aren't we..who taught us this I'm impressionable you know?

Peter Griffin: Well at least in Iraqi hands the prisons are really well kept and prisoner rights are just as good if not better than the United States of the USA...

Ex President Bush: Hey come and see this dog I've just painted looks exactly like Scooby doo!

Tony Blair: Bark! Bark! Woof! Woof! Bark! Bark! Shaggy!

Lost in Translation : Don't put words in my mouth but like me I did it in Gods name Shaggy!

Tony Blair: Bark! Bark! Woof! scooby dooby doo

Written typescript Translation:  Send me to the Middle East as a Special Envoy it'll be ironic and I'll cost the earth to hire scooby dooby doo

Veronica: He sure is Special. You know I think we could do with an additional 15 years of Spitting Image they would have had a field day..unless today's world is a Spitting Image?!

Ron: Bloody typical. It really is just the Fluck and the Law..

Brick: I love...Arena! The World she is indeed strange on both pages and also upside down

Brian Griffin: This should be in part X aka Xenophobia.

Stewie Griffin: In a strangeland of strangers staying strange and not making friends and remaining friendly only amongst strangers and everyone getting the fear and losing the ever stranger plot that thickens like glue...people are strange! And I'm sooo young I'm not even allowed to talk to strangers

CIA: Isn't Romania in the euro now?
Mi6: Yep
CIA: Say what did they do to that Ceausescu?
MI6: Why?
CIA: Oh...only asking.   
MI6: How's their last PM doing?
CIA: He's a Jail face. Mr Nasty Nastase.
MI6: You can only get done for bribery..
CIA: When it involves taxes with the Mob
MI6: And not for overtly killing..hundreds of thousands of people?
CIA: You know I love history
MI6: keeps on repeating itself.
CIA: We'd be out of a job if it didn't..with a little of our unhelpfulness
FBI: I love making it happen. All we guys had to do was share info and we wouldn't be in this mess
Bush: I was gonna dictate to you that I wanted to go into Iraq anyway - I mean didn't you 'legally' vote me in America?
MI6: And some people wonder how wars start...

poorman: family feuds? slash queen victoria's nephews? slash fascism? slash right wing republicanism? slash dictators that the western govt's helped create? slash nationalism? slash religion? slash oil? slash WATER? Slash factories making weapons that sponsor the london underground museum? slash the cold war beginning and the end?

Richman: Profit...that's it

Barrister Palin: Mr Poorman I have had about enough rough knuckles with you and your high fonts so help me i will send you to the Tyburn Tree again...

Judge Cleese: Look stick him next to a Banda machine and we'll duplicate him and we can do what we will unto them for ever more poor in the gutter from rags to wide screen TV's and reaping the benefits of their kind living in feudal slum squalor while we enjoy the benefits of off shore islands and sugar plantation manor housing estate associations of the National Trust park my car within a white boundary...and keep off the grass will you. I hear it's good for medicinal purposes only..

poorman: Whereas I smoke Haddock it's not endangered like cod

Richman: I eat Clams they always keep their mouths closed like my Spy ring

Barrister Palin: Right Tyburn Tree again for you! Fonting all over the plaice like that it's what's turned this country into an ocean of mulleted mallards (he proceeds to hit him with a ruler again)

poorman: what's the FCUKUING POINT you string me up all the Fracking Time!

Richman: Are you refering to the turd mallards of Scotland are you asking for a fight?

Judge Cleese: Right is this a posh fight you're after? Cos I'm feeling ready for one. I've got my sleeves rolled up. I bet you're half Scottish aren't you?! Now you don't want to guard our Queen or be in the thick of battle with us any more eh. Our water not good enough for you - I'll make sure you get more than fracking independence...

poorman: quick everyone run away run away run away...small font i'm running but i need the money

CIA: Say, how come you're not MI5 anymore?
MI6: That's Tom Cruises' next movie and YOU do not want to step on his Cruise control toes. In another few years we'll be onto Mission Impossible 7
CIA: I hear you're up for an anniversary this year
MI6: Yep it's a biggy The 100th anniversary of the Great Wars up
CIA: We won't need an anniversary ticker tape til 2017...we came late to the party as usual...

Prime Minister Cameron: And It will give us Eton boys a chance to shoot the poor in the back again slash the army and not have a cheap one full of Territorials like a hundred years ago we have proper contingency plans for advancing Teutonic Uhlans and we shall have a referendum on to charge or not to charge with cavalry against machine guns...we'll just use up fodder instead. I mean pals brigades..what are friends for?

MI6: And stop any unessesary decade old Iraqi f***ups from getting out in the press
CIA: Divide and rule boys..divide and rule

Education Gove minister: This is no way to treat dare you swear on national
internet surveillance. I'll make sure GCSE exams are harder and not teach kids about Iraq.

MI6: Yeah we taught the CIA all this divide and rule empire s*** they learnt it from us
CIA: We kicked butt in Fallugha. We paid a heavy price there
MI6: Ugh?! Fallugha's fallen I think...? It's over run now with low IQ's again
CIA: Mind your P's and Q's
BAE: Hold on our profits are levelling out...can't you get us into another fine mess soon

Gove: We always stop teaching history when we won in 1945 and we never say when Queen Victoria died the Empire died too. Or that we were ever in Afghanistan before or had an Ottoman Empire and none of this nonsense selling Rolls Royce engines for Russian MIGS before the Korean War or how Suez was an idea by Suzanne in the MOD or why MASH is mistaken for Vietnam and just because most National Trust houses were built from our Fair Trading legal legacy doesn't mean kids go free which is nothing compared to the concentration camps of the Boer War. Kids don't even know who f*****it up in the first place?

Team 4slash5: THE BRITS...

Veronica:  Emily Hobhouse was and is a good woman. Fact.

de-tuning into Griffin held Hell Mondo - where the north of Afghanistan is not low IQ territory at all

Stewie Griffin: God he's really angry today isn't you think he'll get to episode 13
without some kung fu taliban ninja going in for I'm going to get you sucka

Brian Griffin: No they've got a ceasefire going since 1st March and they're actually laughing at this?

Stewie Griffin: That's noble coming from you..mister sat on the fence honky tonk it ends on April Fools Day?!

Peter Griffin: Who cares..they're just daft punks anyway

Stewie Griffin: I love...Daft Punk!!

Brian Griffin: The French really wear their helmets well don't they

Stewie Griffin : hahahhahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahaha...

Brian Griffin: What's up with you?! What'd I say...c'mon..what? What? What did I say?

Peter Griffin: I'm off to Magaluf...they can start there (as an observer on a fence)  nufink changes
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, let's get 'em drunk and wasted. Then we can really nail them

Peter Griffin: We could actually talk to these guys?! Put our arms round 'em, you know how
everyone just Loves each other when they're drunk

Stewie Griffin: Hold on..I can get quite angry when I'm drunk and do they drink?

Brian Griffin: That's irony for you – no prohibition just hero-in

Peter Griffin: Okay we go for lots of pills and knock e'm dead. Hallucinate and we can all be friends hell even rubber plants are more intelligent. I'll talk existentialism with them and compare Sartre and we can all feel nauseus together we'll be best pals. It's a guaranteed KO

Brian Griffin: Look there's just no justice in the world anymore

Peter Griffin: Is that it! No justice of the Peace I'm that man.

Brian Griffin: They've got a month long ceasefire so just like extend it for forever

Peter Griffin:  I'm the right family guy for the job.

Lois Griffin: No. Peter you can't create a choice...not in this country it's not one of the three fates

Peter Griffin: Well what states ironic? Mr Cameron and New selfie satire Labour (previous guys with no Kinnock) giving the kids no reason to learn. This really is dumb history?

Brian Griffin: No history is really dumb. Goodbye cruel world I'm off into a Thoreau's dreamstate

John Muir: Sorry hocch hi me laddy Scotland independence league...nature is over

Brian Griffin: Look I'm going to hibernate..Bears do it and Dogs can now. Were intelligent guys wake me up from a Lions cave in another decade

Stewie Griffin: Yeah that's really borderline collie coming from you. Become a  Caveman type dog thingy oh so brave. Hook up with Barbarah Bach you know she's excellent company for a Lion

Brian Griffin: Too bad they're extinct now...otherwise in the next ten years we'll all be just a piece of furniture in a cave slash room

Spike Milligan: (cue hanky panky on head) Or furniture of the womb...I'm a whoopie cushion!!

Leslie Nielsen: Are you sure you want to be a whoopie cushion? Can't I be a whoopie cushion?

Spike Milligan: Sure i'm a kindly fellow I will become a settee hee hee and you can sit down on me and watch TV he he he

Dave Allen: Mind boggling isn't it...? How history will be laughing down at us. I'm laughing everyday...every day already! By the way I can smoke on TV while you lot continue to pollute the atmosphere with carbon monoxide from fancy cars. And don't give me the half battery're just plugging into the fracking mains powered by nuclear energy and coal you goons.

Back to Ron nee gains gaining the wobble above the quaffle of defunct banda's

Ron: Phew-wee! Bit complicated since the 1970's isn't it...kind of overtakes Watergate, Nixon, Vietnam and the quest of McCarthyism all rolled into one but I think I'm catching up quick. How's our hostage boys doing in Iran?

Fantana: They're going with Argo! And it really is a film this time..

Ron: Hey - I've done that bit already and how much did you get for that fleece Brick?

Brick: $7 and I think I may have accidently sent Best Defense to Saddam and he got the idea to invade.

Ron: What a pisser !

Champ: Then what's the problem? It's only the Northern Alliance and Pakistan to sort out?

Veronica: What happened to the Northern Alliance..I'm a reporter and I think I should know?

Ron: This is such a good idea and I'm loving every single second of thinking about it. In fact it's giving me such a strange sensation with all of my hairs standing on the back of my head.

Brick: Hahahahaha - you said hairy head. Sorry..I don't know why I'm laughing. Your hair is wonderful Ron

Ron: Careful Brick or I will just have to make you spell you're name with a P in future episodes okay!

Chani: Now look what you've done. Brick's crying

Veronica: Come hear Brick sweetie I'll give you a sympathy cuddle

Chani: No way sister he's my Brick and my Love was built on his foundation stone

Champ: What a man..way to go Brick. What a load of brick' high can you build?

Fantana: Um. I'm good for a squeeze Veronica. In fact would you like to see my underwear?

Ron: Are you guys hungry for EXTREME NEWS or what?!

Ed Harken: Oh by the way they've got MTN so universal mobile is a go

Champ: Hey weren't they the sponsors of the South African World Cup? Even though I don't do soccer I somehow know about it

Fantana: Don't they like to do deals in the best places on earth?

Veronica: They do like to do deals in the worst places on earth

Brick: Whichever way the weather vane is pointing it spells trouble...

Ron: Drop the T and that's the rouble!

Veronica: You may find MTN sponsor the well known Manchester Utd Football Team

Ron: You mean you can support Manchester Utd with MTN as a sponsor and still be a soldier in the desert who supports a world branded Football team and with the Taliban you can both be on the same network?! Don't tell me even the enemy can support the same football team and be on the same network too!!?

Champ: Didn't you just repeat some of that

Brick: It's UK Gold!

Veronica: But don't wear the Red T-shirt you'd stick out like a sore thumb

Champ: Commies!

Fantana: Do you think Bluestone 42 will go with that?

Veronica: No it's more likely Have I got news for you

Ron: This is such a great idea. I'm going with a deal "GOOD MORNING AGHANISTAN" it's a GO...

Brick: Before or after our new release?

Champ: This is after we had loads of new jokes to tell and we are so jumping back and forth through time it's all blurring into one or are we all over the place?

Ron: Can you give me a percentage on that?

Fantana: About 1% that's just the 7.63 bit...this bit i'm not sure what's funny

Ron: I knew this was working...

Brick: I

Fantana: 763 new jokes! I said we needed to be more funny

Ron: So many adlibs and outtakes I'm so pleased

Fantana: But we're left with 755.35 here that's nigh on impossible. Like Starter for Ten!

Champ: Or starter of X?

Bo Derek: Listen boys just press play and watch 10 again...

Brick: I love...challenges

Ron: Right lets go TEAM! First with an Anchorman website Fantana you'll be doing a Pod cast from out in the field in a protective protected reporters building. Brick you can do a weather blog and describe those desert storms for us and I want to see how your Candyland followers do on Chitter and that Farcebook thingy cos I've got heavy investments in both stocks..I've got exclusivity on this one! Champ we can get loads of apps for you and play Whammy Bats in Afghan. Veronica how's the publishing going...oh and you're new cinnamon perfume? Let me have a whiff...

7.63 minutes later...

Veronica: You know Ron what comes after V? W for Wonderful...

Ron: VW? Are we cars? Is this a game...cos I'm tired out and kinda hot under the bonnet still and It'll be longer that 4 ½ days before we get to the desert and anyway I wouldn't want to go there sober I'm starting on opium of the people instead..I was a bit late this time. I was enjoying the week of my new release!! And I haven't stopped laughing for...X amount of days!!!!

who you gonna call?

19th March 2014 18th Feb (part10), 14th Feb (part 9) 12th Feb (part8) 8th Feb (part7) 6thFeb (part6 episode2), 4th Feb (part6), 28th Jan (part5), 24th Jan (part4), 22nd Jan (part3), 18th Jan (part2), 14th Jan (part1)