Saturday, 29 November 2014

Star Wars Seven : Awakening

                           X-wings over water - cool. Liking the Excalibur Lightsaber...
In 37 years I'll see you guys again...
cheap frozen Ice planet..could be Coruscant if you squint
       At the end of the fighting over Black Friday bargains, the One show, Revolutions and such like. Oh yeah and Art. The main thing..away from all that jazz is living for the next Star Wars episodes.

Thursday, 27 November 2014

Pussyriot & Ai Weiwei

Pussyriot -'To build a castle'
Ai Weiwei (open your eyes)
Lemon is a yellow revolution with honey while reading Thoreau
During the course of last week I saw Ai Wei Wei's art at Blenheim Palace and attended the talk given by Pussyriot Nadya and Masha at a Guardian event in Kings college. I love Art..
      Are all people artists? You need to socially do the right thing aka Joseph Beuys. An expression of freedom involves truth. Who creates the action to envisage a new way of living? Do you desire a change? A Life a little less ordinary than cooped up in a box. Jail. Wrapped in foam. Opening tin cans on tarmac. Lids for utensils. Living rooms without air. You cannot hide from truth but you can hide from bombs. Why not embrace the silent majority by having a silent revolution? Stay silent, live quietly, love only in dreams? Yellow is the colour of Van Goghs sunflowers (keep ears safe) it is hope it is the sun it is warmth the colour under your chin from a buttercup is yellow. Can we say we all like butter nowadays? (sunflower spread for me thanks..low fat. Is Omega 6 too much of a good thing? I like fish) I love ear phones..
        Who lives real? Who lives really? Who really live? Punk ethos creates a right to express a train of your train. Regardless of self imposed rules by authority that in itself is not reality. Climb aboard. Who's in the first class? There are seven classes. I would dye my hair pink I would dye my hair green but I have less hair. I am envious. Do not let others be envious of you. I wear a hat. A safety helmet discovers truth. Light five thousand candles. Brave is my cousin. She is alive. A course in time is a river. How do you flow? Ponder your course. Beware waterfalls and fools gold. Power is not for your own end. Rules of engagement does not mean as a rule we should be engaged to be married. Shall we all climb back into the bagism of our lives? Who's bag are you in? Can we all fit in? We like to fill paper bags with air and make them go pop! Yellow is breathing not suffocation. I love games.
      Freedom is a virtue. Boundaries are not always on land. My door is always ajar. There is no door but I do have a window. I keep smiles and my laugh in a jar. I keep it on the edge of my shelf. Look over my hedge if you want, you know I may want a bit of privacy. Come into my garden I am your friend too. I will respect my neighbour but I won't always go round to their thursday afternoon barbeque. Because I don't always want chicken with salad. I prefer hotdogs with onions and I have a painting to do. Freely I love only your yellow roses.
        Maybe a silent disco would of done the trick? Or why not quietly shop with a punk prayer playing over the tannoy while we buy sinks. Sky's the limit. There is magic in the moonlight. Women spoke. All hell broke loose. It's the 21st century. Ladyland. Get used to it. Why omit to forget ones place? Rather like airbrushing away an expensive watch. Maybe everyone can download a pussyriot app – maybe I can download a buttercup app. Maybe Ai Weiwei's carpet (softground) is the track of your land. Maybe if he'd been eating fish fingers when he got arrested instead of crab it would of been bad art.

He Xie a good course of 2,300 crabs
Maybe if sunflowers were peanuts we would all have a nut allergy. I walk on peanuts. Snoopy is funny. Handcuffs on Churchill's bed is funny and kinky. Handcuffing Ai Weiwei is absurd the situation is situ. I hang my coat on Duchamp. Maybe I can app-ly the buttercup to the chin of many world leaders. Hold a butter cup party in the name of the beloved buttercup. Invite your friends to join the sunflower seed party. I love only the free buttercup.
         Bring an umbrella preferably yellow. Wear yellow hats and socks. A yellow jersey is for cyclists of the Tour de France only. Don't get confused. Mask is an air-raid siren. Do not destroy your air. Smog. Unmask those who mask their tracks. Unmask the tracks that led us here. Follow the yellow brick road. Create your own yellow brick road. Don't get lost. I have a map. Keep a compass. The cat in the hat wore yellow socks on the yellow brick road and he used a cat flap in the door to truth. No cat should be on a leash. Pussy cats are cool. Dogs are trained and are given orders. Dogs get the scraps and left overs. No-one should be treated like a dog. Some dogs receive much love because it is easier to love a dog than a person. My love is easy to give. I like to be patted. Some people eat dogs and cats which is weird. I saw a picture of a dog with hooves on a curtain. It made me laugh. Raise the curtain there is a new play. A bowl of pearls is equal to everyone. One pearl is equal to you. I love to laugh. Freely laugh like pussy riot.
        Always have a clear destination. Converge in the street and build a wealth of buttercups to share. Plant butter cups and sunflowers. Drink from yellow butter cups. Place buttercups in the barrels of guns. Fire only sunflower seeds. Action. Film it. Yellow sweetcorn is a movie star. I love popcorn. Seven zodiacs speak who talks? Imperial is a sign. Communism is .com. I live in a community. A face mask is something you make. Make a new face. Take off the face of the mask and see the eyes that bring warmth not fear. Fear that is cold and becomes frozen deserves to be thawed. Bring warmth to the table. I bring the buttercup. I am the butterfly. Free to fly. I can't fly yet. But I love wings.
         I am free to say I worship the buttercup. When it rains I hold out my palm and I know the rains have fallen around the world on sunflowers. But who will tend to my buttercup? The children. My world. Whose children? Your children? This world? Our children. Our world. Yellow umbrellas hang upside down from the roof of my home. Respect for my umbrella is lacking. I need water to live. The youth of today are new. We will become old. Old is new. Young is as old as you get. I love news. I love the new rain.
        I freely explain that my message is true warmth. The sun. The sunflower. The seed. Sow. I create butterflies. But we are all caterpillars. I send a warning when I see birds of prey. Look out they are watching you. Watching us. Watching each other. Save the bees. Build hives. Make boxes for bees. Save us. Pupa is the pupil. When you leave my classes you become Cassius Clay. I love claymation especially The Wrong Trousers.
train of thought
Lots of people wear the wrong trousers. Get a decent pair. Trousers do not offend me. People who offend trousers are porcupines. They need to come out of their holes. They are not free. The penguin crook who is escaping on the railway in the kitchen is clay. Mould. Shirt rhymes with skirt. You hurt me in the dirt but I like to have a bath. I can wash. You're lies do not wash with me. Shower in the rain. I love shorts (above the knee)
         I say do not fear the evolution of a revolution nor do I fear a revolution that feeds evolution. Sanitation is solved with sewers. Education is knowledge. Teachers are people too. Wealth is shared by philanthropy. Success is fed by nurture. Poverty is solved by equal distribution. Trees are fed with the air we breathe. Truth is insight. Substance is the will. The good will of the people is new. Nature is our neighbour. Farm to eat. My house is your home. My home is a house within a home. Earth is home. It is not a house. The sea is not always friendly. Rip currents are a hazard because the foundations of the seabed change. Under current. Keep foundations calm. Sail. Don't rock the boat. Sink the boat. I see land. Learn to swim. Build a better boat. Wear life jackets..they will always keep you afloat. Storms brew when hot and cold air masses meet. Calm hot air and let the cold air cool. Fame is famine of the soul. I am famished. Express yellow. I love pancakes with lemon and sugar.
         Lightning creates a current. Electricity. Create your own lightning with your own thunder. I roar and I see clearly but I am currently silent. Until I awake...from a kiss. Freedom is in the responsibility of the dream. An angel kissed me once. My dream is a new reality this world is not my dream it is my life. The dream of my life is a reality yet to be born. I lay awake. I dream a different dream everyday in every part of the world. Life is good. Life is bad. Live your life to the full. There is no lid on life. It cannot be half empty. I prefer a full pint. Guinness is always worth the wait. Order another drink. Life can change. Life is born is is life on lemon street.


Wednesday, 5 November 2014

W1A Going up in smoke aka The Guy Fawkes Special : The final tirade towards the beat of this age

    Finally we've been let out of our cage..and into a Thinktank Taxi rank. Can they still fill in a Subway? How far can this journey go on shuffle?  Have they really been stuck in a traffic jam all summer? Not with Derek Fairweather the straight talking Cabbie man! Could it be true? Will they get another chance to sit in air conditioned offices of the Tardis where the interior is a bigger institution than the outside exterior? Ohh crikey, ooh dear, yes, yes well oo dear I say why didn't you say so matron. What a Carry on...

Ian Fletcher: Exactly how far are we going?

David Wilkes: Is this a payment all the way to Salford?

Tracey Pritchard: No

Simon Harwood: As things are written..this is still within the context that we are still momentarily seated in the back of a chinese owned taxi cab

Siobhan Sharpe: Oh like the guys from Ofer the ridge and far away we go. Spinning.

Simon Harwood: Like our Top Gear friends in Argentina

Ian Fletcher: Siobhan you need to sober up..before we get back to the beeb. Have some water

Siobhan Sharpe: This is a wrap around stream.

Tracey Pritchard: Dream!

David Wilkes: This is five levels of dreams from reality..

Tracey Pritchard: Get a grip

Simon Harwood: Reality bites

Ian Fletcher: Yes well my hands are certainly holding firm to the bottle thank you 

Siobhan Sharpe: Fank you for the water Ian. I really like you Ian you know that don't you. Cuderly too. Winky poo. Oooh look the Number plate is W1A get in there.

Simon Harwood: Can someone hold onto Siobhan she's trying to climb through the window

Cabbie: The names Derek. Derek Fairweather. Fair by name fair by nature know what I mean?

Ian Fletcher: Hullo
Derek Fairweather: All's fair in my Cab do you get me? Do you? Do you get me? Do you? Do you?
Simon Harwood: Yes, thank you cabbie. BBC headquarters please.

Derek Fairweather: Where the sun is always shining inside no matter what the weather

Simon Harwood: Do you mean in your Taxi or the BBC? 

David Wilkes: You know it's not sunny weather now...times have changed

Ian Fletcher: The clocks have gone back. Yes I see

Derek Fairweather: I'm not happy when it's too hot and I ain't into hot bloody weather. Gets me in a right hump all that hot headedness asking for water and headache tablets and dysentry. I ain't avin't it

Ian Fletcher: Quite. Bottled waters very clean here..Siobhan can you try not to dribble please

Derek Fairweather: Listen you know that show with that Amstrad guy

Ian Fletcher: Alan Sugar?

Simon Harwood: Lord Sugar

Derek Fairweather: I haven't got time for Lords. Unless it's you get me? Do you?

Lucy Freeman: How many apprentices does he need?

Derek Fairweather: He's kept me sweet in business the last ten years my lovely

David Wilkes: He's like a Sith Lord!

Lucy Freeman: The only decent Lord the BBC has is Doctor Who

Ian Fletcher: Right..I mean I wouldn't go that far

Siobhan Sharpe: Cool.

Derek Fairweather: It's a right Royal mess up that's what it is

David Wilkes: We're not Royals..Lordes is the Queen Bee on my ipod

Derek Fairweather:  A right Royal pardon...were not Royals? Well thank god for small mercy's

Ian Fletcher: Where? In Lourdes?

Siobhan Sharpe: A great swinger from New Zealand name won?

Ian Fletcher: Swingers?

Tracey Pritchard: Singers! Siobhan

Simon Harwood: Dame Kiri Te Kanawa.

Tracey Pritchard: You can't drink Welsh Brandy anymore Siobhan. You owe me a drink by the way after this and it's expensive I purchased it from Harrods.

Derek Fairweather: Are you lot on drugs or something? I'm not having that kind of behaviour in my Taxi. I operate a strict policy and zero tolerance on alcohol I'm a recovering alcoholic do you get me?

Ian Fletcher: Sorry. No. I mean yes quite. Obviously.

Simon Harwood: What he means is do carry on cabbie with what you were starting to say

Derek Fairweather: Thank you. Yeah well while Lawd Sugar was chucking out all and sunder into the abyss of the unknown. I'm one of the cabbies taking all those high dose egos and mighty business types back home in me cab. Not to my home obviously who do you think I am a bloody landlord. Most traders down the camden market do better than those so-called apprentice tycoons.

Siobhan Sharpe: No way. No way. That is outrageous. That's like won in a million we'd find you!

Lucy Freeman: One in twenty thousand actually

Derek Fairweather: Well I was the cabbie until he kept firing two and three at a time

David Wilkes: I just lurve the camden market.

Derek Fairweather: I do like taking the come dine with me people too cos I get the leftovers

Simon Harwood: Celebrity left overs..

Derek Fairweather: Ha ha very funny..

Ian Fletcher: Okay. Down on the Dining street. I'm with you

Lucy Freeman: Downing Street

Derek Fairweather: I do have a nice folder of celebs on my iphone 7

Siobhan Sharpe: Crazy complete the puzzle. How comes yous got an iphone 7?

David Wilkes: It looks like a Samsung...

Tracey Pritchard: If you build something that small and flat to fit into your pocket it's all going to look the bleeding same.

David Wilkes: Were all looking at the same stuff..apps on the go. They're free on my home computer

Siobhan Sharpe: That's the internet for you crazee software out of date but the hardwares still in good shape. But then I know nothing about laptops..I've got an ipad

Derek Fairweather: This is a special Taxi luv. In the next installment were doing a segue on time travel. My iphone 7 is well old I got it off ebay. They were already up to iphone 17 in the 20's

Ian Fletcher: Oh yes, quite. Run up to 30 years of Back to the Future?

Roads?..where were going we don't need roads. We use inter rail instead

David Wilkes: Marty's kids must old do you think they will be?

Simon Harwood: Not from 1970's obviously...for a long time it was.

David Wilkes: About a decade?

Simon Harwood: How we all keep marching on through time..only Doctor Who knows

Derek Fairweather: Good times in the 70's. Northern Soul was cool. I only did a 3 day week do you get me? I was forever going up to Wigan

 David Wilkes: Got it..looks good. Hey how about Northern Soul Brother as a sequel

 Derek Fairweather: Northern Soul Detroit. 

What you lot looking at..get back to work
Ian Fletcher: Right. 1970's that was when we had an oil crisis, rubbish on the streets..winter of discontent and Alf Garnett on TV

Tracey Pritchard: Sounds like my neighbourhood...under UKIP

David Wilkes: This is sooo exciting what have you seen?

Derek Fairweather: Far enough into the future to watch the New Republic trilogy of Star Wars mate.

David Wilkes: And ..and tell me more

Derek Fairweather: I went too far in the future and they were all out on netflix

Tracey Pritchard: That's sad, can't we get a DVD boxset anymore?

Siobhan Sharpe: Breaking Bad will not be the's over and I don't watch anything now

Tracey Pritchard: Not even your own shadow?

Derek Fairweather: Not as sad as seeing Luke Skywalker die and appear as a ghost..shadows of the Empire.

David Wilkes: The saga has a long cast

Simon Harwood: The next ones will be ghosts of Star Wars.

Siobhan Sharpe: Star Wars Most Haunted...

David Wilkes: Ghostbusters in Space. Incredible. I hope Disney make that ride

Derek Fairweather: Like most of my rides. Top birds in the back though on occasion and some right charlies but live and learn as my motto says. I've had that tattooed on my hands.. live & learn

Ian Fletcher: Do you mind putting both hands back on the wheel

Tracey Pritchard: You only have 4 fingers on your right hand. It says 'Live & earn'

Derek Fairweather: I live and earn my way in this world sister. Do you get me? Do you get me? Hey, hey. Do you ?

Simon Harwood: Yes. Yes. Cabbie.

Derek Fairweather: Do you?

Ian Fletcher: Do you mind putting both hands back on the wheel

Derek Fairweather: Yeah, well it was meant to say 'learn' but I lost a thumb with the 'L' in a fight

David Wilkes: What with?

Derek Fairweather: A vice

Ian Fletcher: Advice?

Derek Fairweather: None was given they missed out the d

David Wilkes: So there was nothing for you to learn from their advice then?

Derek Fairweather: No. I said I was only a learner. Ha ha

Ian Fletcher: Do we actually know who the culprits were? Having no advice..It's all very circumstantial

Derek Fairweather: I used to have a vice

Ian Fletcher: For wood?

Simon Harwood: That's the Vice squad for you. Include drugs and we have a 10 billion pound income.

Siobhan Sharpe: I have a vice..for drink

Ian Fletcher: We had noticed

Derek Fairweather: Do you get me! Like I said no alcohol in my vehicle

Ian Fletcher: Right..

Derek Fairweather: So were off to your new BBC build then. Shame the Blue Peter garden will be concreted over. That was part of my children's childhood.

Simon Harwood: I know. All that greenery gone. Terrible. What do you think kids follow now?

Tracey Pritchard: Each other but it's not necessarily greener on the other side

Ian Fletcher: You mean ITV. And we've already done this bit

Simon Harwood: Istanbul, Tehran and Vilnius

Ian Fletcher: I thought Ankara was the Turkey capital? Surely you mean Islamabad

Lucy Freeman: ATV doesn't exist anymore. And Putins knocking on Latvia's door not Lithuania

Simon Harwood: Well, not yet

Tracey Pritchard: Ian if you apply for the Foreign Office you have to be practical and learn from our lessons.

Derek Fairweather: Like we learnt our lessons from 7/7?

Simon Harwood: No one is allowed to Syria and Pakistan on their gap year

Ian Fletcher: Sounds like a nice tight little policy?

Derek Fairweather: It's so small and tight no-one has actually found it mate.

Ian Fletcher: Oh yes I follow

Simon Harwood: far as the eye can see.

Tracey Pritchard: And we need to view it from space..

David Wilkes: Interstellar space..I want to view this in 70mm

Simon Harwood: Lets see..oh it's Another Jupiter Ascending..Gravity..

Lucy Freeman: Sunshine of the spotless mind..?

Derek Fairweather: A father daughter relationship when I see one?

David Wilkes: Like Saturn..where you float on the seas of a father's love?

Tracey Pritchard: No

David Wilkes: Something to do with Venus?

Lucy Freeman:'ll have to travel miles to see your daughter every other weekend

Simon Harwood: Reality..for some people I should imagine. You'll just age seven years from a divorce

Tracey Pritchard: McConaughey does look clean doesn't he?

David Wilkes: I think he got a bit dirty in Tropic Thunder and he was in Sahara so he's used to sand and dust

Lucy Freeman: That's slightly off the beaten track right now

Derek Fairweather: Oh it's a beaten track alright

Ian Fletcher: Well lets try a top 10?

Tracey Pritchard: Top 'Tens machines' for schools..

Siobhan Sharpe: So we are focusing now on whether we can actually re-run any 1970's episodes of Top of the Pops?

Tracey Pritchard: Top of the Plots..

Lucy Freeman: I'm so glad it's not the 70's anymore..I wasn't even born until the 80's

Simon Harwood: It's safer now people now only want selfies..on iCloud

Siobhna Sharpe: Lets have a group photo of us all in the Taxi..okay hold it. Can you get a little bit closer to me Ian

David Wilkes: What if your a fan ?

Siobhan Sharpe: You stay at home and like celebrities only on your facebook page

Ian Fletcher: Right. Better to keep ones distance

Derek Fairweather: ..mind you I was always keen on Blondie.

David Wilkes: 'I'm having a good time..I'm having a can't stop me now' sung by that guy from Queen.

Simon Harwood: Queen have been so quiet over the last 20 years...not sure what they're doing

Siobhan Sharpe: We will.. We Will Rock You..forever obsessed?

Ian Fletcher: Something to look forward too.

Derek Fairweather: Not having U2's new album on iTunes for you get me? 

Ian Fletcher: We need a warning.

Derek Fairweather: Give a days notice before and I can block my in box from U2 that'd be enough warning. I prefer Status Quo you know

Simon Harwood: A loud klaxon would be a good sounding off

Lucy Freeman: When you see presenters putting their arm round people?

Tracey Pritchard: Including politicians?

Siobhan Sharpe: We'll go for the Red Triangle. We can come up with a newer logo?

Ian Fletcher: That's not quite the sign we need

David Wilkes: It is. I have one when I have my car boot open

Tracey Pritchard: That's because YOU are a hazard..

Derek Fairweather: Bloody politicians. That's the next cover up believe you me. Like Pleb gate but it won't be as funny.

Simon Harwood: It wasn't in Belgium.

David Wilkes: They never kept Clunk Click on repeat

Derek Fairweather: The dancers were always stunning. Great legs. Legs & co

Lucy Freeman: Careful cabbie

Simon Harwood: DJ is a bad word.

Derek Fairweather: Fat Liberal. That's two bad words in one. Do you get me? Do you? Do you get me?

Siobhan Sharpe: Hear this before a date DJ. Okay. Initials aren't bad for a dinner's got to get back to it's roots.

Ian Fletcher: Moot point Siobhan. Delicate issues - suits re-branding for starters

Derek Fairweather:  Michael Jackson wore suits in the early days when he was off the wall. Didn't win many law suits did he? But in the end it was the man in the mirror with the cigar and cheap medallion

David Wilkes: Lets run with a post DJ set

Tracey Pritchard: How?

Simon Harwood: A cross between Free Burma campaign on the world service but without cartoon time drawings

David Wilkes: Does that mean Aung San Suu Kyi is going to go on desert island discs?

Lucy Freeman: Listen so long as the Children in Need message has got through to Social services over the last 30 years and are open to question then that's a good thing.

Ian Fletcher: Is that in the spotlight?

Derek Fairweather: Not in South wasn't even on the radar

Simon Harwood: Operation Yew Tree has many branches.

Derek Fairweather: You should see it's roots. I'm tellin' you it goes on for bleeding miles

Lucy Freeman: So long as it doesn't fall on deaf ears

Ian Fletcher: What?

Tracey Pritchard: It's the leaves that fall

David Wilkes: And the sap?

Simon Harwood: It's still leaking. And not just from Operation Ore.

Ian Fletcher: Now lets try and keep this vet speak only

Siobhan Sharpe: Put down

Derek Fairweather: I think some people need to be put down

Simon Harwood: Resign. And still take a hefty pension pot..or saved with a D-Notice

Derek Fairweather: Well if it's in the public interest. Stuff the discretion. Have we got free press or not? That's what I want to know.

Tracey Pritchard: It makes my blood boil. It makes me want to scream and some people need a damn good hiding

Derek Fairweather: All the authorities are good at hiding

Tracey Pritchard: Politicians are up in the clouds aren't they with blue sky thinking

Ian Fletcher: Sum up the summer

David Wilkes: We had a great summer

Ian Fletcher: Yes the weather was..perfect

Derek Fairweather. No rain guv. A bit of rain in August though

Ian Fletcher: Quite


Lucy Freeman: There's been a bit of a storm brewing for a while

Simon Harwood: Not for much longer

Tracey Pritchard: I think I heard thunder 

Derek Fairweather: That was the complaints commission on behalf of Cliff Richard. My mother loves that guy and she's got his calender. The BBC don't need credibility where nones due.

David Wilkes: I've got a Police calender...

Ian Fletcher: Is that with Sting?

Lucy Freeman: It was a sting

David Wilkes: Not with Robert Redford and Paul Newman. This is a Police charity calender..from Yorkshire

Ian Fletcher: Can we stick to the plan...we've got to form a consensus

David Wilkes: Like a regimented one?

Lucy Freeman: Like the sense of the RAF Army & Navy 

Derek Fairweather: R>A>N also rans..we have only two jets now. Top Gun 2. All our kit is in Cyprus. That's what military cuts do for you in this country. It's going down the plughole and we've got a basin to fill.

Lucy Freeman: The Euphrates River

Tracey Pritchard: And a small town in Bastion but not in Kobani

Simon Harwood: You mean we used to have a small bastion town.

Derek Fairweather: So did Turkey...

Ian Fletcher: Near it's borders?

David Wilkes: Have we left any equipment for the Afghan army?

Simon Harwood: No. Don't be silly they're poor. They can't afford our equipment

Lucy Freeman: You mean like the Warthogs that came too late?

Tracey Pritchard: So long as it's a policy as good as Iraqs and we won't ever need to go back there again.

Derek Fairweather: We don't. The Americans only gave us Basra..we got lucky. They had the whole country to master. Then they saw we hadn't used any weapons. Just water pistols. Because we were near a river. From the air we used sprinklers.

Simon Harwood: And gave us Helmund as a forfeit. No hoses were fired there either.

David Wilkes: Oh I thought they were growing poppies..

Lucy Freeman: No the Afghans were - and still do

Simon Harwood: We were watering their gardens..

Derek Fairweather: We trained Afghans well. Well enough not to use our armoured vehicles.

Ian Fletcher: Because..they're not on tour..? And we were?

Siobhan Sharpe: That's an Army Tour bus holiday as initiated by the Water Board Office?

Ian Fletcher: Okay lack of fresh water supplies.. with you on that score

Derek Fairweather: We'd need them in the next London riots. Do you get me? Do you?

Siobhan Sharpe: Cool. Water cannons.

Ian Fletcher: Water cannons are only needed when it's hot?

Simon Harwood: If there's a drought we'll use Warthogs. Something tells me in that sentence that all the Warthogs have drunk the water anyway

Ian Fletcher: War Games are played strategically afterwards then?

David Wilkes: Like War Games with Mathew Broderick?

Simon Harwood: No that was a threat of nuclear war with computers this was a threat only on the ground...if you were there you were a target.

Derek Fairweather: Be thankful it gave us Bluestone 42, Invictus aftershave and a plot line in Doctor Who while everyone still partied hard on the dance floors in Magaluf. That's another kind of carnage. Do you get me ? Do you?

Siobhan Sharpe: Stayin Alive..on the dancefloors. Worth fighting for

Ian Fletcher: What more freedom do we need?

Siobhan Sharpe: Relocation! Relocation! Relocation!

David Wilkes: Hong Kong?

Siobhan Sharpe: Couldn't we like do a swap like Hong Kong for Scotland with the Chinese?

Derek Fairweather: Fair swap. I think Hong Kong is worth more

Ian Fletcher: I'm glad you are not in politics

Derek Fairweather: I'm not I work part time in the civil open university. The internet

Ian Fletcher: Well that's another kind of democracy in it's own right

Lucy Freeman: Until 2017. Not the internet but Hong Kong.

Ian Fletcher: Are we making Hong Kong a top priority?

Simon Harwood: No

Tracey Pritchard: Unlike our priorities to Ukraine then

Derek Fairweather: Weren't it good to see Lewis Hamilton win the Russian Grand Prix. Know what I mean the Russian came 14th.

Lucy Freeman: If that was a race for Ukraine to start with, it would of been won fair and square.

Simon Harwood: I assume that's what happened. The ceasefire was a coincidence.

Lucy Freeman : The voting in east Ukraine was null and void so legitimacy isn't very happy

Legitimacy: I am not happy that I'm blue. I don't want to be red when I'm through

Simon Harwood: Legitimacy isn't very happy? Who's going to read him all the way through?! Endless repetition..unless you're a democracy as they sell it..see it I mean

Ian Fletcher: Quite

Derek Fairweather: Change the subject? That was for Bernie Eccleston to say.

David Wilkes: Did he?

Siobhan Sharper: Did he do a try for new negotiations?

Tracey Pritchard: Aren't the cars too noisy?

Ian Fletcher: What?

Siobhan Sharpe: Varooom! Varooom! Varooom! Smooth Criminal Putin

Ian Fletcher: 'Putin are you ok?' I don't see the...oh I get it

David Wilkes: Speed Demon...with a dancing rabbit was not a good video in claymation so I won't show it. Here Lucy take a look don't you think MJ's moves are cool..I tried it once but I fell over

Derek Fairweather: I'm sure I saw Putin dive for cover from Prosecco on the Grand Prix podium. And he's into Judo...we'll I used to do boxing. Three rounds with him and he'd be on the floor. No worries. KO
David Wilkes: Er..what kind of rounds? You know - he might cheat.

Ian Fletcher: Lets get back to the race. I thought the engines were quieter?

Derek Fairweather: Hey I never knew Putins waxwork could walk and talk. Do you get me?

Simon Harwood: Well we weren't there. I wouldn't like to verify which dummies said what or what money changed hands if any.

David Wilkes: Do you think Putin could be a melt in Subway?

Siobhan Sharpe: Putin melt with sanctioned cheese. Cool. We could do a banner ad. We can go with that.

Derek Fairweather: I'm going on Dragon's Den with that idea. Nice one.

Ian Fletcher: What?

Simon Harwwod: Lets not go with original Gorgonzola...then Bingo!

David Wilkes: Like the Banana splits..and it's my birthday. I'm five years old again

Problem..lets split!

Ian Fletcher: That's a bit remote isn't it?

Tracey Pritchard: It's his reality let him live it

David Wilkes: Magic Machine, Magic Machine I want a Magic Machine..tra la la tra la la tra la la

Siobhan Sharpe: One banana two banana three banana four. Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more..over hill and highway the banana buggies go

David Wilkes: Making up a mess of fun..! lots of fun for everyone..!

Simon Harwood: The internet and TV rolled into one. Video and film used to have a nice well used kind of look didn't it. You could see the damage time had done or is that history?

Derek Fairweather: So long as Snork holds out we're covered with the fillings. Do you get me?

Lucy Freeman: No. You mean Turkey..

Ian Fletcher: I don't think they have any yellow umbrellas there

Tracey Pritchard: It's not raining

Derek Fairweather: Unlike in Scotland

Ian Fletcher: What? How to make Scotland more inclusive on the BBC?

Derek Fairweather: Can Glasgow actually get BBC now? You weren't scared you was gonna lose licence fee payers were you? Damn these traffic jams. Oi. I'm fair weather do you get me? Do you? Do you? Do you get me? Hey hey you...b******
Tracey Pritchard: I think they band us

Derek Fairweather:  Mind out for me cab bleedin' cyclists. Do you get me? Do you do you? get me...
Simon Harwood: But still let in the liberals for a conference very very very strange

Derek Fairweather: Shove off!

Lucy Freeman: But they still made a great Commonwealth Games

Derek Fairweather: Whichever way you look at it you can't take the Scot out of a Scotsman even if they are British..or Mel Gibson in Braveheart. Do you get me?

Ian Fletcher: You mean Scottish

Siobhan Sharpe: Brilliant...ish

David Wilkes: ish is the new ish of britishness-ishness?

Simon Harwood: Engl-ish?

Ian Fletcher: Scott-ish?

David Wilkes: Ir-ish?

Tracey Pritchard: Welsh-ish?

Siobhan Sharpe: Welsh-ish doesn't quite work does it? Not happy with that..

Ian Fletcher: Problem?

Derek Fairweather:  If Wales have a referendum they are welcome to Wales

Simon Harwood: Just sheep, no oil. Only mountains no oil.

Ian Fletcher: Any army to speak of ?

Tracey Pritchard: Plenty of coal

Siobhan Sharpe: Well it is there obviously, burns wonderful. Now that the ozone layer is shrinking lets dig again.

Ian Fletcher: Do they have nuclear power? Can someone find out if they have nuclear submarines?

Siobhan Sharpe: Okay Ian I'll check their facebook page

Simon Harwood: Still no oil. Except in fish.

Ian Fletcher: Right

Siobhna Sharpe: ish ish dish pish fish

David Wilkes: I love fish...but not from Spanish trawlers

Derek Fairweather: ish is in Spanish and Swedish. Are we related in any way?

Lucy Freeman: Anyone with -ish are now British.

Simon Harwood: As a policy or rule not sure which but when we shake your hand inevitably we'll be superior to you, grow distant and then fall foul of you. It's the new les miserables

Ian Fletcher: Well I wouldn't sell gentlemanly conduct in quite those loose terms.

Simon Harwood: I think we don't have's not on the curriculum

Derek Fairweather: We sold it and left it to rot. Do you get me? That's what.

Tracey Pritchard: Isn't that modern technology all over?

David Wilkes: I never answer emails and my connection is rubbish

Tracey Pritchard: No wonder

Derek Fairweather: I've got time shares on the Costa Del Sol. Who wants in?

Siobhan Sharpe: We import decent Swedish stroke Danish TV & IKEA? Flat pack Britain

David Wilkes: And ABBA too. I've seen Mamma Mia three times.

ian Fletcher: Right, not the film? Understandable..not that I've seen it

Simon Harwood: All three of those are in Britain so it means they're british. Including Gibraltar.

Ian Fletcher: Like the Cornish

Siobhan Sharpe: Mamma Mia! Here I am. My, my how can I resist you...Ian

Tracey Pritchard: But they're not English? I should know I'm a Celt. And we've already done an episode on someone from Somerset.

Simon Harwood: Like the Scots and Irish

Ian Fletcher: Neither are we Scottish or Irish

Tracey Pritchard: Speak for yourself. I'm Welsh and I will sing our praises

Derek Fairweather: No please don't. Not in my Taxi.

Ian Fletcher: This is confusing

David Wilkes: What about Kurdish?

Siobhan Sharpe: Cool. United Kurds could be the new UK

Ian Fletcher: They're British?

Simon Harwood: Once we re-arm the kurds and they stake a claim for an independent nation..

Ian Fletcher: Then we'll let Turkey into Europe?

David Wilkes: Turkish - see it works too

Simon Harwood: Fabulous. They're not in Europe..look it up it's Asia.

Siobhan Sharpe: Britain has just extended it's borders people. Get in!

Derek Fairweather: And form a queue! Do you get me?

Ian Fletcher: Right

Simon Harwood: Do you think Thatcher would of had an exclusion zone..of Europe? Who can tell? We are the sign of the times..and it's our time to set sail. But there's no trade winds. Very odd.

David Wilkes: Borderline Madonna! She was sooo the 80's. She pushed my love over the borderline on a fair few occasions. I'm now on shuffle.

Tracey Pritchard: You are borderline and you've always been on shuffle

Derek Fairweather: Are you sexing up Britains barriers? Cos we ain't got none. They only appear at Leicester Square Premieres or in the London Marathon.

Simon Harwood: This is not a film there's no lines to speak of..and Rio's two years away

Ian Fletcher: Can we co-ordinate people barriers?

Simon Harwood: Not in time for Christmas..think laterally Ian. Not literally.

Tracey Pritchard: I'm cancelling my holidays to Turkey

Lucy Freeman: In ten years who knows what the outcome will be

Derek Fairweather: Considering how the last ten years have gone, pretty much the same in the future too from what I've seen. If we keep meddling within a melting pot and our pot has been boiling over for years. Goldilocks ain't gonna find her porridge anymore. Do you get me? I said it was too hot in that sun.

Ian Fletcher: Skirmish is not the word then?

Siobhan Sharpe: Jewish is. Cool.

Tracey Pritchard: I don't want to be funny Siobhan. But you can get seriously ill these days from cracking a joke.

Lucy Freeman: Jewish is still British

Simon Harwood: Unfortunately we are building in occupied territories and It's a backlash and everyone gets whipped once in a while..

Derek Fairweather: Jesus did

Siobhan Sharpe: Did we use to own Palestine but swapped it for Greece by mistake?

David Wilkes: Hummus isn't a good move..I'm not sure I like the taste. Even though I'm middle class

Lucy Freeman: not the way forward. Free Palestine..but with peaceful methods

Tracey Pritchard: Israel is in Europe..that means were still in Europe. But only in the Eurovision song contest..? Maybe we should all join up. At least we'd get more points.

David Wilkes: Does it mean Britain has a new Tax haven country and not now in the Canaries?

Derek Fairweather: No. It means we have mean canaries taking over

Ian Fletcher: Taking flight? I'm not sure who, what or where this has gone

Tracey Pritchard: I'm booking my hols to the Canary Islands next they're Spanish.

Lucy Freeman: Anyone for a no fly zone?

Derek Fairweather: Come to think of it don't we end up giving weapons to people who inevitably shoot back at us? Do you get me?

Simon Harwood: Arms exporters..keeps the World Wars ticking along
Lucy Freeman: Ian I think you need a Demilitarilised Zone

Tracey Pritchard: Like East and West Germany back in the good old days

David Wilkes: Like Corea

Lucy Freeman: That's one in your eye. You mean Korea

Siobhan Sharpe: Put M.A.S.H on my plate Hawkeye

David Wilkes: No. I meant Corea. I love history and I'm sticking to Marco Polo's version

Siobhan Sharpe: Cool. Dig in there. The MP version of Mash Potato

Derek Fairweather: The spuds of the NHS between North Hounslow & South? With bad communication rife between hospitals the management, doctors and consultants. Surely a clear exchange using an email would work. My Doctor keeps waiting for letters to arrive

David Wilkes: My Mother keeps waiting for letters to arrive..she has no computer. And when she calls there's only an ansaphone service. I've had to print off NHS direct and I've had to use reams of paper.

Simon Harwood: Well lets not discuss the privatisation of cleaners and catering staff. Lets not give anyone a bad name. speak is full of clever words for short cuts.

Derek Fairweather: I wouldn't trust them with a super bug.

Ian Fletcher: A no-mans land can we promote that?

Tracey Pritchard: That's now known as a Buffer zone.

Ian Fletcher: Buffering?

Derek Fairweather: Slow internet mate absolutely ridiculous.

David Wilkes: I definitely need buffering.

Ian Fletcher: What?

David Wilkes: I'm forever of hold at the weekends. More people are on Wifi and I've decided to have a weekend away

Ian Fletcher: Really? Any where nice?

David Wilkes: Away from the computer and my Samsung iphone.  A walk in the country where there's no connection. Hyde Park. It's relaxing.

Lucy Freeman: I think something along the lines of a police amnesty would do it. An army amnesty. Fill skip loads of hardware. Then let them fight with just bare hands

Derek Fairweather: On Black Ops

Lucy Freeman: At least video games would be seen as a cure all

Siobhan Sharpe: Cool. Xbox Controller Joysticks. Cool!

Ian Fletcher: I think I'm getting the hand of neo-politics. Should I go for neo-liberalism or neo-conservatism?

Simon Harwood: The only difference is a military one..I think

Lucy Freeman: It's the wrong way round

Siobhan Sharpe: Like finding neo

David Wilkes: Or finding nemo

Siobhan Sharpe: That's my point and we all know the key maker is hard to get in the matrix and sharks are never that friendly

Lucy Freeman: Lets share out the wealth in this country equally otherwise some propaganda euro sceptic politics will start showing how much more per capita is spent in Scotland than the SE

Ian Fletcher: Is that possible?

Lucy Freeman: Well there's 6 million people in Scotland and 6million in London and we all know London is a separate entity entirely.

Ian Fletcher: Like the capital?

Lucy Freeman: Exactly

David Wilkes: Like when you realise in America New York is not the whole of America?

Siobhan Sharpe: But would be kinda super cool if it was

David Wilkes: And it's not even the capital of America

Ian Fletcher: What is?

David Wilkes: A

Siobhan Sharpe: It's not, it's U

David Wilkes: USA. It has three capitals UTAH

Lucy Freeman: That's four

Siobhan Sharpe: The UK has only two. Duh!

Ian Fletcher: Pardon? Where's the second?

Simon Harwood: Beijing

Ian Fletcher: Don't quite follow..go on

Tracey Pritchard: That's the GB bit

David Wilkes: Plan B

Ian Fletcher: Right

Lucy Freeman: Who's G? This is silly

Siobhna Sharpe: Gerry Halliwel?

David Wilkes: Kenny G?

Simon Harwood: Greater Beijing of Britain

Ian Fletcher: Is an investment toward...?

Simon Harwood: Communism

Siobhan Sharpe: G-string Britain on a shoestring

David Wilkes: I loved watching Love Island.

Tracey Pritchard: That's random. And you learnt all your geography from the wingnuts on there?

Derek Fairweather: Most people in London live in £30million pound houses that they sell to rich oil tycoons. There's a statement of fact do you get me?

Siobhan Sharpe: That's totally random coming from a you live in Chelsea?

Derek Fairweather: No Fitzrovia and I may vacate to the USA. I don't want to pay a 50% tax in this country.

Lucy Freeman: That's an over generalisation. A small percentage sell to the old communist bloc and to Saudi's who were once our friends..

Simon Harwood: But now seem to be paying to crazy people?

Siobhan Sharpe: Who have never seen Scooby doo.

Welcome to the land of the Evil Dead

Simon Harwood: It's one for the Mystery van but I wouldn't watch their TV channels in Saudi if i were you

Derek Fairweather: It's Halloween every night. You're right there mate. No ones jamming their satellite dishes do you get me?

Tracey Pritchard: No one is saved really are they

Simon Harwood: That's why you can't drink or have decent entertainment there

Lucy Freeman: Well at least you can sell your house for 30 million and not pay tax..

Ian Fletcher: Britain?

Derek Fairweather: So long as the top wealthiest 1% own 50% of the worlds wealth then we are always going to..

Simon Harwood: Kick ourselves. I really like pauses...makes one think

Derek Fairweather: Did we have an Empire? Giving up on Hong Kong that was a jewel

Siobhan Sharpe: Hong Kong Phooey

Man these wiki leaks are astoundingly cool...or is it how to solve a Rubik's cube

Ian Fletcher: You mean India

David Wilkes: Jewel of the Nile. Agatha Christie

Simon Harwood: Like Peking duck back in the good old days..

Derek Fairweather: When the beeb was in White City

Tracey Pritchard: I think that's what UKIP wants London to be

Lucy Freeman: Now politics has become a parody

Ian Fletcher: Mmm. Lacking pathos?

Simon Harwood: Written by Johnny Speight?

Lucy Freeman: Do you mean people got the joke of Alf Garnett or do you mean people are becoming Alf Garnett?

Simon Harwood: Mmm not sure. Don't know lets see if we put a massive photo up in the BBC of Warren Mitchell as Alf Garnett

Documentary Social Satire or DSS for short aka being on the dole

Ian Fletcher: In Sickness and in Health..

David Wilkes: That's the NHS

Simon Harwood: Til Death us do Part..

Lucy Freeman: And remake Alf Garnett?! You're not serious

Derek Fairweather: With fact with all the publicity the BBC give the guy I think it's being made as we speak. Do you get me?

Simon Harwood: Where fiction and reality meet

Tracey Pritchard: I thought that was ITV?

Siobhan Sharpe: Through the keyhole..of Britain

Simon Harwood: So long as the kids vote and listen to their own headsets and not Brand Russell we may yet deliver the revolution he seeks.

Lucy Freeman: Politicians need to act during their term of office and not just seen to be doing something when it's six months away from an election.

Derek Fairweather: They are all actors

Siobhan Sharpe: It's a method, acting with a thick skin and talking with no adjectives

Simon Harwood: Can politics truely be independently minded without prejudice and political bias?

Ian Fletcher: Did Scotland have open and fair non partisan opinions?

Derek Fairweather: Especially on the street?! Do me a favour! I'm not a Glaswegian Taxi driver you know do you get me do you?

Trtacey Pritchard: At least Dundee are The People's Friend with Glasgow

Siobhna Sharpe: Exactly D&G works again! Cool. Two cities can be independent like the Vatican

David Wilkes: Is Alex Salmond going to be Pope?

Tracey Pritchard: And the Royal Bank of Scotland are still heading south

Ian Fletcher: With 160 billion pounds of debt?

Derek Fairweather: Of tax payers money to Antarctica and one hell of a fine for influencing the currency markets with Barclays and HSBC for all the Government cares. I read the FT do you get me?

Ian Fletcher: Well I'm sure George Osborne reads the same papers

David Wilkes: Are the BBC still allowed back in to Scotland?

Tracey Pritchard: Sometimes it is as cold as Antarctica in Scotland

Derek Fairweather: It is in the Shetlands

Lucy Freeman: They did a good deal with the oil companies kind of rented out their lands and everyones in the money. Quarter of a million each for the population

Simon Harwood: Of course it only works if there's less of you.

Ian Fletcher: Right. Capitalism

Derek Fairweather: Top tips thank you..I'm now moving to the Shetland Isles then the Canaries

Lucy Freeman: So what you're saying is with 16-17 year olds voting Yes they are most likely do a re-run?

Simon Harwood: Strangely the most important part was Cameron wanted votes for England. How very considerate of the man

Ian Fletcher: Okay. So Scotland lost and we won?

Simon Harwood: All because of the BBC

David Wilkes: I distinctly remember everyone agreeing with David Bowie at the Brit Awards. I told you he was danger

Siobhna Sharpe: He's gone all trad Jazz now

David Wilkes: Funky soul! Sue..but I've still got the next day to listen to it. Upload pretty things instead