POLICE SQUAD! : FRANK DREBIN'S FOG OF CHILDHOOD
EXTERIOR NIGHT TIME : SOMEWHERE IN THE DOWNTOWN FOG OF NEW YORK
Somewhere in the downtown fog of New York (there was a beginning worth repeating) and an over keen policeman was making a violent arrest. Luckily it wasn't his neck that was on the railway line. It was a suspected armed hoodlum. Frank Drebin relished police evidence, he even took a selfie. He had his own Instagram page but his Facebook profile was for his own eyes only. Now the trial was in the street and the costs of obtaining lethal injections were sky high. What was an overzealous law abiding enforcer of the law to do? Judge Drebin knew a firing squad was a cost effective solution in these torturous and pre-emptive strike days. Thank god for electric railways. He was keen for no baggage and he never wore a mask, it would mess up his hair. He looked into the killers eyes and then he looked away from the mirror and took aim. Before he could pull the trigger, from out of the fog appeared three armed buccaneers uttering the fatal words, 'Dead Men tell no Tales'.
“Somalian Pirates, that's all I need on a Tuesday morning at the start of a long shift” Frank looked for a quick exit..the sink hole was his best option. There was no plank but the spring board would do. He took a leap off the pier and took a dive. Times were tough. Luckily he still he had time to throw his hat into the ring for the next presidential candidate and it wasn't even hign noon.
She was a fine looking woman, she had curves in all the wrong places but that didn't matter right now. He would grow to love her, they would spawn a new breed of cop. Chappies, Robocops, iRobot’s; A.I. Intelligence was only a laptop love away. It would all be the same until yet another ED209 came to upset the meeting. He knew it wouldn't last. He loved to update her which was easy with the hair she had. But her software was real soft and her hard drive was a rollercoaster to ride. Man she had spirit. He would call their children Chimera, a lethal combination in a world already tumbling through crazy emotions of emoticons.
Either way it was deadly. Worse than the 60's as bad as Nixon and as ruthless as crack on a Sunday afternoon. Eventually it would spoil his dinner, cretins were high on creatine and his croutons never tasted the same. Somehow the country weaponised drug cartels in Mexico, gave millions of dollars to glove puppets in the Middle East (Kermit the frog was endemic) while the kids would enjoy Afghan heroin. Hell, what did he care? That wasn't even in his jurisdiction, but he liked to cast his net wide. The internet helped and night time fishing was a sport he relished.
It was time to stop watching Quentin Tarantino's Death proof and to ride ships mast again for the beginning of new episodes of POLICE SQUAD! ..a bit the same.. older, reckless and none the wiser..the grime of crime had got mixed up in the pot and now the law was the criminal. How did the shit hit the fan so hard it knocked a whole team of supporters off the Yankee stand? Where, when and how did it all go wrong?
INTERIOR – Sometime between now and re-reading this..in the virtual fog of words
Frank Drebin : It was like any day except this time I was in the wrong place at the wrong time I was at the chiropodists when I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. How? I can never remember but then I always had a lousy memory until I had Hocken with me for company...
|what...was I thinking|
Ed Hocken: What are we doing here Frank?
Frank Drebin: Give me a clue
Ed Hocken: The sign reads Chiropodists..?
Frank Drebin: I'm not sure why but we can try casing the joint for foot fetishists
Ed Hocken: Do you want me to take down details?
Frank Drebin: Unless you see little Miss Piggy I don't want anyone to arouse suspicion
Ed Hocken: Including your particulars?
Frank Drebin: Are you making me a suit?
Ed Hocken: I'm no tailor
Frank Drebin: Then ask me straight man, no tinkering around
Ed Hocken: I heard soldiering brings out the best in men
Frank Drebin: This is no army recruitment station..remember were on foot patrol
Ed Hocken: With our best feet forward?
Frank Drebin: You always need well-conditioned feet for this line of work
Ed Hocken: We do?
Frank Drebin: This is going to cost me extra..now that the shrink isn't here.
Ed Hocken: I'm 44..how about you Frank?
Frank Drebin: Asking a man’s age at my age makes no difference to police work and we've got a lot of a catching up to do. You look ten years younger by the way
Ed Hocken: Thanks Frank..but what's your size?
Frank Drebin: Size isn't the only problem. No-one has a healthy BMI ratio anymore.
Ed Hocken: Because they are too busy sitting around to notice crime is everywhere..?
Frank Drebin: Slouches on the couches Ed. Its people with CCTV cameras just watching crime unfold we need to catch criminals in the act
Ed Hocken: Instead of policemen? With a keen eye for spying?
Frank Drebin: Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy..they're all the same. Mix 'em all together and cracks begin to appear then you've got one hell of a whistle blower on our hands.
Ed Hocken: Or feet?
|without plaid our covers blown....|
Frank Drebin: Sometimes she likes to. But I'm no juggler...
Ed Hocken: Pardon?
Frank Drebin: She's a good whistler Ed
Ed Hocken: Well, some women I heard are good at eavesdropping
Frank Drebin: They do it quietly. Like a pin dropping
(a loud noise reverberates in the corridor)
Ed Hocken: Did you hear that?
Frank Drebin: It's a rolling pin. We've got company
Ed Hocken: And there's no kitchen here...
Frank Drebin: Just useless utensils and no microwave
Ed Hocken: I always eat out
Frank Drebin: Damn..Eve was always out to get me and now my ears are burning
Ed Hocken: Sounds like she was a good woman to talk to Frank
Frank Drebin: She was deaf..
Ed Hocken: Oh ? Not a good sign
Frank Drebin: All her signs were read from behind prison bars. She's a mass murderer. It was a terrible case.
Ed Hocken: That's terrible
Frank Drebin: It was, I lost the evidence
Ed Hocken: How?
Frank Drebin: I put two and two together until the goose cooked.
Ed Hocken: On a setting of four?
Frank Drebin: No it was just dinner for two.
Ed Hocken: With goose?
Frank Drebin: I'm..not sure. Eve never had a recipe and the seasoning was off. It was summer
Ed Hocken: Was it from the way she rolled the dough?
Frank Drebin: You knew she got caught red handed too?
Ed Hocken: For fraud?
Frank Drebin: No she had blood on her hands.
Ed Hocken: You caught her in the act?
Frank Drebin: She was a butcher and I was hungry. It was our first date.
Ed Hocken: Was it a good meal?
Frank Drebin: There wasn't much left of the carcass. It was Panda surprise
Ed Hocken: Aren't they endangered?
Frank Drebin: So she kept telling me while we were getting stuffed
Ed Hocken: What was the surprise?
Frank Drebin: It was a real live Panda. Eve was cleverer than I first thought, not much of a conversationalist though.
Ed Hocken: I think I'm going to be sick
Frank Drebin: I always liked to try and sweet talk her out of murdering the local zoo. I was in love. So I treated the vet every now and again
Ed Hocken: Did you treat her to a Rose?
Frank Drebin: No I've never eaten a Rose before..Eve was different, she was waiting. She got a life sentence and electric shock treatment. They'll be dead by then
Ed Hocken: Dairy milk?
Frank Drebin: No. I stay away from farms, too much mud and guts for my liking. And besides I have a milk allergy straight from a cow’s udder.
Ed Hocken: I don't get it Frank you must like some kind of bar?
Frank Drebin: Depends on the clientele but it was always Mad Mickeys for me and I always had a good seat
Ed Hocken: Really, how old were you?
Frank Drebin: Twelve. Dinners were always at Diners and Dinah always served good wholesome pancakes. I was young but she was too much of a temptation for me
Ed Hocken: You kept going back for more?
Frank Drebin: I was eager for a second bite. It led to an infatuation; she sweet talked me into it
Ed Hocken: I'm shocked..was she grooming you?
Frank Drebin: No. She..wasn't a hairdresser. I go to the Barbers every month regular as clockwork
Ed Hocken: What with?
Frank Drebin: A good watch and longer hair. At Dinah's a bacon sandwich..and I never forgave her
Ed Hocken: Why?
Frank Drebin: I had one hell of a dentist bill. My teeth were rotten
Ed Hocken: Aren't you scarred by your childhood Frank?
Frank Drebin: No. I'm all grown up now..the lacerations have healed. Thankfully I was with Ownly for company.
Ed Hocken: Who was that?
Frank Drebin: He was an only child and I was his only friend but I still had no friends to call me by my own name
Ed Hocken: What did he call you?
Frank Drebin: I don't recall but everytime we played cops and robbers I used to question him for hours and he wasn't allowed to know my real name for security reasons.
Ed Hocken: Man that's torture for a kid and being so alone...
Frank Drebin: To be down that low and deep in the hood as an Ownly wimpy kid was kinda scary
Ed Hocken: Was it a dark wood?
Frank Drebin: Only at night. I used to leave him there.
Ed Hocken: Wasn't that cruel?
Frank Drebin: The service wasn't great. The Wild Wild Hood was a burger bar just outside the New Forest.
Ed Hocken: Oh..like Where the wild things are ? It's one hell of a story.
Frank Drebin: I haven't written it. But give me a moment and I'll tell you my story. I was a wild kid and it showed people were scared of me, I felt alienated. I wasn't respected life became oppressive. It was hell living in London and agony for the nanny
Ed Hocken: Oppressive like somewhere between these two paintings on the wall? The Scream by Munch and the Hay Wain by Constable?
Frank Drebin: How did you know my childhood was positioned exactly between those two paintings. I always dreamt I would someday own a screaming monk on a horse.
Ed Hocken: Soft words do it for me every time before bed
Frank Drebin: Soft woods are no good. Got to make them hard. Like Oak instead of Sandalwood
Ed Hocken: Like the aroma from this chair?
Frank Drebin: Sedan...and it's no car
Ed Hocken: Ok I will, thanks. (Ed sits down..you know in an old Sedan chair)
Frank Drebin: It had all the hallmarks of a gifted Turner...
Ed Hocken: Good framing is hard to come by these days
Frank Drebin: And never import swamp wood. Carpenters will always cut corners.
Ed Hocken: Did you used to have pets?
Frank Drebin: No but my uncle taught me to hunt Crocodile in the Everglades
Ed Hocken: You mean Alligators..
Frank Drebin: Yeah...all of 'em.
Ed Hocken: Frank my monster calluses are sore and so is my head from all this snooping around
Frank Drebin: Well rest your head on a nurse’s thigh and she will see to your sores
Ed Hocken: But I'm embarrassed
Frank Drebin: Damn it you're a grown man and she's a woman what's there not to like ?
Ed Hocken: They'll send me to a home again
Frank Drebin: Stop blubbering it reminds me of my Nanny smothering me. Every day she'd tell me to hug tight to her bust.
Ed Hocken: Lucky for you
Frank Drebin: Yeah..she was a talented sculptor had a bronze cast and she was a large woman
Ed Hocken: I miss having a warm breast close to my heart
Frank Drebin: Try two it'll be more fun.
Ed Hocken: I remember those days
Frank Drebin: Women
Ed Hocken: Women
Frank Drebin: Those are our only tales now. You get to my age and buying a luxury goose feather down pillow warmed on the radiator does it for me.
Ed Hocken: How about by the fire?
Frank Drebin: No. It's a smoke free zone now. But I still put on Johnny Mathis..and I get cold smoking outside naked
Ed Hocken: Put some clothes on
Frank Drebin: You can't make love with Johnny Mathis with clothes on. Have you no education?
Ed Hocken: I was educated by Rita
Frank Drebin: So was I. It was a long time ago. By the way, how is your wife?
Ed Hocken: Man that hurts
Frank Drebin: What are friends for? We share a left wheel.
Ed Hocken: Damn it Frank that's my wife
Frank Drebin: She always held her own around the corners and being a four wheel drive she had good grip. A little bumpy getting up to sixty but I liked 'em older
Ed Hocken: You really are a loose cannon I may draw my weapon
Frank Drebin: Getting all artistic now? What is it?
Ed Hocken: A beretta
Frank Drebin: It's always good to express your emotions on an etch-a-sketch
Ed Hocken : I can't suppress the urge anymore..I just had to get one off ebay
Frank Drebin: You can buy women on ebay?
Ed Hocken : Nowadays it's buy now, pay on delivery..then regret later. And there's no refunds
Frank Drebin: I prefer the old fashioned way. One pizza at a time with no left overs
Ed Hocken: R2 shots were always the quickest way..
Frank Drebin: Reminds me of something...that I can't quite remember
Ed Hocken: Then you need Diazepam to relieve the anxiety from the 1970's
Frank Drebin: In my time I've seen lots of delinquents and believe you me I should know
Ed Hocken: I was once a delinquent myself
Frank Drebin: Once is bad enough Ed. You should of been locked away with none of these namby pamby leg bracelets
Ed Hocken: Education helped
Frank Drebin: Going for the cheaper option eh?
Ed Hocken: It really worked they helped conquer my lack of authority
Frank Drebin: Is that why you're an authority on the matter now?
Ed Hocken: Authority doesn't scare me
Frank Drebin: It's all an illusion. No authority can stand the wool being covered over their eyes
Ed Hocken: It's all itchy I went for polyester
Frank Drebin: Try cotton..hemp if you have eczema
Ed Hocken: Look how you were brought up
Frank Drebin: I used to have once a muzzle and a restraining order
Ed Hocken: For you?
Frank Drebin: For my parents but it was good for my gun control and my manhood
Ed Hocken: Those sons of bitches
Frank Drebin: Yes I know. I ran errands for bones and I always led the police to their graves
Ed Hocken: You cold hearted killer!
Frank Drebin: I'm no Psychiatrist it's the psychotics you need to look out for
Ed Hocken: You mean your parents?
Frank Drebin: They were released into the community
Ed Hocken: Weren't they sectioned?
Frank Drebin: Not under section 28
Ed Hocken: There's always a loophole we need to section parental extremism
Frank Drebin: No marriage by ten only after seventeen hundred hours and I prefer bacon to omlettes
Ed Harken: I thought I'd heard they were killed in some awful tragic accident?
Frank Drebin: This war is no accident. You heard wrong. It wasn't awful, it was horrendous the way that dump truck from the local tar pits emptied its contents into the family saloon
Ed Hocken: My god how did you survive?
Frank Drebin: I climbed out the boot it was bad there was tarmacking everywhere
Ed Hocken: But I thought you said it was a saloon
Frank Drebin: It was. We owned a bar on Shaftesbury Avenue...Mad Mickey's
Ed Hocken: Not Mad Mickey the Irish gangster? Who I failed to mention earlier
Frank Drebin: That's right. He was like an uncle to me, sometimes he even let me watch Mickey Mouse on TV and read MAD magazine while we robbed the local joint
Ed Hocken: Man those times were tough for you
Frank Drebin: They sure were he never shared the loot and I paid for the TV. Those times were dangerous like walking on hot coals with Italian shoes melting. It was a pathway of discovery
Ed Hocken: That's hot!
Frank Drebin: They were, I only wear Jimmy Choo.
Ed Hocken: Then you hot tailed it to a safe house?
Frank Drebin: What could I do Ed I was like as trapped man, trapped in a cocoon of overbearing parents. I was a 30 year old man what was a man to do?
Ed Hocken: Leave home?
Frank Drebin: I'd already thought of that but I didn’t want to blow my cover and my career had hardly begun, my 20's had been a blur
Ed Hocken: That's alcohol for you
Frank Drebin: I'm a free man. I've given up drink and I'm thirsty for knowledge. I'd found sanctuary but I was in Connecticut. I was in sanitary, there were no clean towels and there was no fire escape
Ed Hocken: You mean solitary? You had to smash through the door right?
Frank Drebin: There was no fire. I climbed out through the window on the left
Ed Hocken: Frank, those mean lady killers were geckos and they're cold blooded
Frank Drebin: No. They were more like..lizards
Ed Hocken: Lizards?
Frank Drebin: The killers were
Ed Hocken: And they're reptiles
Frank Drebin: And I was after their gizzards
Ed Hocken: And after that?
Frank Drebin: I kept running..where I didn't know. But I was a keen runner and I even won a medal for second place
Ed Hocken: You entered a race?
Frank Drebin: No I mean metaphorically. There's no winners in this race only me
Ed Hocken: You came second..
Frank Drebin I know, I wasn't trying hard enough so I got rid of my trainers and shot the fella
Ed Hocken: Yeah I had to do that..fitness coaches’ they cost the earth to keep
Frank Drebin: I hadn't thought of an insurance scam yet. I was poor I'd given up alcohol, not gambling. I preferred to run barefoot I had stamina
Ed Hocken: And hard soles
Frank Drebin: Were all hard souls Ed it comes with the territory unless it's undulating and bumpy
Ed Hocken: Then you'll need trainer’s right?
Frank Drebin: Never. He was still dead. These were bakers
Ed Hocken: By the dozen?
Frank Drebin: There was only two of them. They always made sure I kept yeast in my pocket
Ed Hocken: Why?
Frank Drebin: It would help me rise to the occasion
Ed Hocken: What was the occasion?
Frank Drebin: My birthday. It was only once a year but I gave it up in a flash. My parents abandoned me like Lassie. Strangely I always had a nose for finding my way home
Ed Hocken: My Pa always threw a ball and I'd catch it
Frank Drebin: Try Yoga
Ed Hocken: Yogi bear was never the same after that
Frank Drebin: I liked running and catching a ball but even after two sets to love it was too close for comfort and I had to join forces
Ed Hocken: You joined the army?
Frank Drebin: No I preferred a religious discipline...
Ed Hocken: How did your mother and father find out?
Frank Drebin: They were a bunch of animal owners and I was going to get them caught in the pen
Ed Hocken: You mean they got caught by the penal law?
Frank Drebin: Pen or law it didn't matter. The pig sty was only a cover. It was a two edged sword I had my pants down luckily I had a handle on it
Ed Hocken: With guilt?
Frank Drebin: Plenty of gilt I like em shiny you know but I was struggling to find the point to it all
Ed Hocken: And did you? Did you find the point to it all?
Frank Drebin: Yeah, I found it. It was really pointy. I mean so pointy like a point on a compass and it hurt like a needle
Ed Hocken: Did you cut yourself?
Frank Drebin: No it was pointed out to me that it was an injection for tetnus
Ed Hocken: And you can't always butter two sides of bread together at the same time. Especially when they fall butter side up. I hate that
Frank Drebin: That's not important right now
Ed Hocken: Did you hear that?
Frank Drebin: My hearings pretty good it was a low frequency Kenneth
Ed Hocken: Isn't that a song?
Frank Drebin: No. Kenneth is my dog. I'd always had a nose for this kind of work now can I have pistachio nuts as a reward
Ed Hocken: Stop licking my ear
Frank Drebin: I was good at running around and I was always chasing my tail
Ed Hocken: I need to work on a tread mill but they put me on a low fat diet
Frank Drebin: I was running low on carbohydrates but I was high. I'd reached 46 stories
Ed Hocken: That high
Frank Drebin: Yeah but I still haven't found a publisher and celebrities all need a book out by Christmas
Ed Hocken: But this is New Year
Frank Drebin: Happy New Year Ed
Ed Hocken: Thanks..but it's spring already
Frank Drebin: One day is never the same as the next..you add 'em all together and you start to lose count. Day turns into night, night turns into day
Ed Hocken: It's a merry go round Frank
Frank Drebin: And we need to jump off and start the day with a leap
Ed Hocken: Leap into action
Frank Drebin: Like a leper
Ed Hocken: Leper?
Frank Drebin: Wait until it's the end of the year and we'll see what bits fall off . We pick up the pieces of those who leave us behind and before you know it we need new joints
Ed Hocken: Like this one
Frank Drebin: Yeah roll a big fat one..while I think how I can lower my huge heating costs
Ed Hocken: Can't we use cheap fracking anymore
Frank Drebin: Not with my oil bill
|Eve was a tough case to crack aka Samsonite|