Head to Head :
Smith & Jones discuss NATIONS and such like..A
RED Nose Day Special
Mel: I'm thinking about going to New York for the day
Griff: To New York..on a day trip? Bit expensive mate
Mel: New York, The big apple, hotdogs, bagels, Sex and the City,
The Empire State building, Mickey Mouse, yellow Taxi's..
Griff: And Liza Minnelli...
Mel: On stage all singing, all dancing as
Sally Bowles..back in the day. Great film Cabaret
Griff: Great woman
Mel: I've got my tickets already. Sienna Miller recently took over
the role on Broadway
Griff: Lovely..dressed in white
Mel: Angel Delight. I love whipping that up...can't wait mate
Griff: We have all that mostly in Britain now.. except yellow
Taxis.
Mel: You don't get in one of those New York Taxi's unless you are
a Liberal. Goes without saying
Griff: My car is blue..but I vote Liberal?
Mel: What, what are you saying?
Griff: I'm going Green but I'm not sure about my insurance policy
Mel: You’re mad. Electric cars are just a fad..just ask Jeremy Clarkson
Griff: Your car is silver isn't it? Who do you vote for?
Mel: That's none of your business. I'll let you know in the post
Griff: We now have the Shard...
Mel: That is our modern day Empire State building.
Griff: It's one giant steeple chase..
Mel: Without King Kong of course
Griff: Didn't Prince Andrew abseil down the Shard?
Mel: What? Listen..In America..hailing a taxi is also a discreet
political statement to the Chinese
Griff: Not when you hail a Taxi, it's not discreet. Phone up for
one.
Mel: Discredit is good.
Griff: So do the Chinese still celebrate Chairman Mao's policies
then?
Mel: Starvation. Not a great leap forward..
Griff: You could do with a bit of starving..you need to lose a bit
of weight before you get on that plane
Mel: The Chinese you see are very thorough they chased the dragon
out of every village
Griff: Dragon? They don't have Dragons? What are you
saying..dragons..you are daft
Mel: Look it's one of the Star Signs..
Griff: Is it?
Mel: Yeah I'm certain..it's astrology isn't it. It was written in
the stars. That's why business is booming it's the years of the
Dragon. It's made good economic sense. They soon matched our economic
output of the 1950's
Griff: Back then it was equivalent to the economic output of the
Isle of Wight.
Mel: That's the City of London for you...
Griff: Without the smog
Mel: The smog is everywhere in those Chinese cities...
Griff: Good to know people enjoy London smog
Mel: That my friend, is one of our biggest exports
Griff: Along with Dickens
Mel: I'm not Mr Micawber. You know, my Nan makes great bagels
Griff: Is she Jewish?
Mel: No. Like I said, she likes bagels made with bacon and mozzarella
cheese..dripping
Griff: What a dish
Mel: In her younger days maybe..she's mostly droopy now with
plenty of dripping.
Griff: Like you.
Mel: The proof is in the pudding..
Griff: There's more beef in your pudding..have some custard
Mel: I can't finish on pudding I haven't started yet. Listen,
about my day trip. I might turn it into a week
Griff: I hear it's an awfully big big place Mel..wear trainers and
hire a Segway
Mel: I'm going to have a good look around The United Nations..
Griff: You'll need a round the world ticket..not many Nations are
United though
Mel: 'Come on United' I've got the banner and everything mate
Griff: Even the T-shirt..?
Mel: Yep. Plutocracy forever bought to you by the Free world
Griff: Hold on how many are there?
Mel: Twenty last time I looked..
Griff: Er, what's all this plutocracy then?
Mel: That's when Pluto has taken over from Mickey Mouse
Griff: Isn't Pluto a dog?
Mel: Look around my friend...we are in the doghouse of power
Griff: What about Goofy? Isn't he a dog?
Mel: No. No. That's just a schmuck...who do you think is writing
this ?
Griff: Is Donald Duck still a duck?
Mel: Same thing..look it doesn't matter. Do you believe
Bank-E-Moon could be World President?
Griff: He is isn't he already?
Mel: The T-shirt is just a sweetener. I can't afford bribes like
most of FIFA
Griff: Oh?
Mel: Politics is a delicate matter. Have you felt the need ?
Griff: To bribe? Nope can't say I have.
Mel: I've er, never had the need..until now
Griff: Oh why?
Mel: Well, it's just I've declared my land a state
Griff: I've seen your land and it is in a right state. Your garden
is a mess
Mel: Yeah alright, alright the mower broke this summer okay. And
we had a drought
Griff: Lazy summer..as usual
Mel: Yes..well not exactly. Now someone's invaded it
Griff: With what?
Mel: Faeces
Griff: You mean your neighbour let their dog on your lawn again ?
Mel: Yeah I'm livid
Griff: What's their dog called again?
Mel: Putin
Griff: Well that answers a lot of things. Mines called Berlusconi
Mel: Got a reputation your dog..
Griff: The muzzle is a precaution
Mel: This is very important. I'm claiming my back garden as a
sovereign state and I've declared myself King
Griff: King Mel ?! King Mel ?! Ha, you're having me on. Nah..come
off it..pull the other one. King Mel never ! You're pulling me leg.
Mel: No I'm not. I'm serious. I'm very serious. Straight up. I've
written my own constitution and everything. Look I'll show you I've
written it down on this piece of paper.
Griff: Like the Magna Carta?
Mel: I used my best calligraphy handwriting
Griff: Since when have you ever done Calligraphy? You're no
monk..you have the hairline for it though
Mel: You my laugh my friend you may laugh. This is the dawning of
a new age. A new frontier. Naturally you've got to take it from the
birthplace of democracy. Everyone in my kingdom is a freeman, there
are no taxes, beer is allowed and gambling, smoking too and I can arm
myself with a water pistol but that's it
Griff: So..you're a bit like Greece then?
Mel: Yep
Griff: And you can defend your land..until there’s a drought?
Mel: Yep
Griff: Any women in there?
Mel: Well, I've not asked the missus yet. I don't want to rock the
boat and you know to tell you the truth it's small enough for just me
really
Griff: What's it called then..?
Mel: Me-land ?
Griff: Me-land Oh very good. Very funny
Mel: Can you see what I did there it's my land for me.
Mel-and
Griff: Not very inspiring is it. Mel and who?
Mel: Mel and Sue if they let me... I'm not sure about doing
Bake-off actually
Griff: Mary Berry should take a look where you hide the cakes.
Have you got a flag ?
Mel: I had a rummage in the garage and pulled out an old bed
throw. One of those lovely tartan ones, I like tartan
Griff: You're not Scottish...I've never seen you wear a kilt
Mel: Of course I'm not Scottish. Have you ever seen me toss a
caber?
Griff: That's the only Scottish defence after Trident. So who's
making your crown then?
Mel: Tracey Emin is designing one for me. I'm a renaissance man.
I'm no specialist
Griff: Or a realist
Mel: We plough the seeds and scatter my friend. While the rest of
the world plays catch up..
Griff: ...you'll still come last though. You're going to have to
do some jogging
Mel: I have a rowing machine in the garage
Griff: Yeah but you're still not going anywhere
Mel: Well I don't need to. It's my land. I'm free to do whatever I
choose.
Griff: Freedom of choice..
Mel: Exactly my point
Griff: You still need to get out of the garage more
Mel: I'm trying to be independent and not a dissident in my own
territory. Put simply I like the idea of wearing a nice shiny crown
and sitting on a throne. Away from all the worlds troubles
Griff: I normally like sitting on a throne...takes me ages to read
the weekend supplements in the bathroom though most weekends. What do
your other neighbours think..?
Mel: It's a troubled neighbourhood already because I have a Scot
opposite arguing with the Irish family over nothing
Griff: Like football..
Mel: Celtic to be precise
Griff: Right
Mel: While the Spaniards two doors down are on a siesta bored
watching the fight. But I gave a hosepipe to the local Kurd to stop
the fight..
Griff: Was he living near the Spanish?
Mel: Does it matter..it's a long street. Yes of course he lives
near
Griff: But you've merely pointed out that you gave him a hosepipe.
How long is that?
Mel: Long enough to hand it to him. Do you mind this is my story.
So the Kurd..has the hosepipe
Griff: That you've now given him
Mel: Yes. Yes. To give the Scot and Irishman a hose down, you know
to stop the fight and the Polish guy..
Griff: Who lives somewhere else nearby on your very, very long
street
Mel: ..cleaned up the mess.
Griff: That's quite some neighbourhood. Bit violent where you
live.
Mel: I only stepped in when they all decided to invade my Polish
neighbour’s garden. But I had to retreat
Griff: Where to? Dunkirk?
Mel: No. Not that far.. to the bedroom I hadn't quite finished
with the Swedish au pair
Griff: Fair point..
Mel: It did kind of get out of hand and I called up my American
friend
Griff: It's always good to have an American friend..maybe not in
the bedroom though
Mel: Of course not, unless you happen to be Sharon Stone.
Griff: Did he sort the neighbourhood lot out
Mel: Down in the hood..with a baseball bat. No questions asked
Griff: Because you were making a mess of things as usual
Mel: Well it's tradition mate isn't it...we brits always like to
call the yanks in for support. Take the first world war as an example
started in 1914. The Americans rallied to our rescue in 1917. That
was because Kitchener had rallied mostly 17 year old brit lads who
had never held a gun before.
Griff: You wouldn't have been arsed..you would have been in bed
Mel: While most of our proper regiment lads were on a jolly in
India. Then in 1940 you know we had Churchill defending our shores
Griff: With Insurance. I love that dog..very funny. Love that
don't you ? Always nodding oh yes! That's the catchphrase isn't it?
Oh, yes..never tire of it
Mel: Well then the Americans arrived in 1942 so we could do D-Day.
Griff: Oh, Yes!
Mel: Of course it took 'em two years to plan like
Griff: Oh, Yes!
Mel: Can you stop now. While we were busy sorting out Mussolini.
He tried to invade Greece
Griff: Now Greece is trying to re-invade Europe.
Mel: Oh, Yes. The modern world my friend is all about
Inter-continentalism
Griff: Isms are full of inconsistencies
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| Talkback and forth |
Mel: Exactly here's the thing...
Griff: But we can't find the thing ?
Mel: Puzzling. The world is all hazy..in the 21st century it's all
blurry.
Griff: Can't see for looking. I can see short distances not so
good on long distance
Mel: Get this for the modern age. We kind of caved in to a few
militants in Iraq and gave them jobs in the police force then the
Americans had to sort out our mess we had created in Basra
Griff: Who knew
Mel: Millions. Either way Rumsfeld never really wanted us there in
the first place. And then the Americans reinforced our position in
Helmand when we were a bit thin on the ground
Griff: Because ?
Mel: We forgot to connect up the Dam pipeline. Water my friend is
the new oil..I'm hedging my bets with Ambient Water
(ambientwater.com)
Griff: Spread betting?
Mel: No, I'm for the Binary option. I'm going all or nothing.
Humidity is a positive thing nowadays
Griff: When it's hot and humid I get the barbeque set out I feel a
bit Australian-ish
Mel: You can't just feel it you've got to be the whole ish
Griff: Like Ishtar?
Mel: No that was a flop
Griff: I'm feeling a bit peckish
Mel: In Peckham?
Griff: Fondue ?
Mel: No, that's only at weekends
Griff: So you were saying about the flag
Mel: I rigged it up on the seemingly now redundant TV aerial and
you can see it on google maps. So it's easy to spot.
Griff: Easy to target too
Mel: Neighbourhood watch has gone ultra-modern I can now watch
you..
Griff: You can't I draw the curtains..and I live 5 miles away
Mel: Look, I'm just proving a point. In my street we use night
vision it's the latest thing..
Griff: You can get locked up for that you know
Mel: I'm discreet I upload it all on my iCloud account so it's
perfectly safe. Along with my bank details. I've now applied for
European union recognition and my human rights
Griff: Human rights..what's that then ?
Mel: The basic human right to clean water, fresh undies, and free
beer
Griff: No ?
Mel: Yep. Straight up
Griff: Including freedom?
Mel: And Free domination. I'm going for the local dominatrix..she
likes leather but I'm strictly vegetarian..
Griff: You could of fooled me..you're no vegetarian
Mel: I am with my Dom. I have a carrot dangled in front of me and
she's opted to wear PVC
Griff: Or hemp..there's a lot of Hemp around nowadays.
Mel: It's recyclable PVC. I am now part of the new landed
gentry...
Griff: I bet she looks like that girl off X-men..Emma Frost or Mystique ?
Mel: More like Jupiter Ascending actually. Mila Kunis..is a Space
babe. Mila has dominated my TV viewing habits ever since 'That 70's
show'
Griff: What's the 70's show called then?
Mel: That '70s show..that's it. Don't you watch TV? That's the
name of the show
Griff: Oh..I only watch the BBC
Mel: Have you been busy of late?
Griff: I may start my own country too except I want to be a
dictator
Mel: What? You a dictator? How come ?
Griff: This is between you and me. My kids have become right
terrors. They have knee jerk reactions to most things said on twitter
so I've had to limit their computer usage
Mel: Understandable..firm but fair parenting. Totally agree
Griff: It doesn't help when I want to watch BBC catch up. And now
the kids won't talk to me unless it's through a new iphone..
Mel: Which are expensive in this age of austerity you can't be
having that kind of behaviour.
Griff: And now they are threatening to sue me for negligence unless I buy them an apple iwatch
Mel: What is the world coming to ? No wonder terrorism is rife, the
young are technologically gullible..
Griff: And will believe in anything..I'm desperate
Mel: Like Mickey Mouse and Desperate Dan
Griff: And adverts before every film
Mel: I still believe in the Sugar Puff Monster every morning..
Griff: And the Yeti
Mel: They think they can get away with anything...kids
Griff: Monsters
Mel: Monsters
Griff: Little terrors
Mel: At least you don't have to tag them most cheap mobile devices
have GPS in
Griff: Little do they know I micro-chipped them. I put it in their
soup
Mel: How did that go?
Griff: Well they do keep getting down into the sewers.
Mel: Try a curfew
Griff: I've already kept the missus in a darkened room
Mel: Bit harsh on your woman. Is it for her own safety?
Griff: No for my own sanity. And I'm saving electricity
Mel: You mean she was disturbing your concentration while you play
Grand Theft Auto Five on X box One
Griff: I don't like being interrupted.
Mel: Pretty hard to get a European grant for a dictatorship
Griff: Look at Putin he made himself a dictator and he's in
Europe...
Mel: And UKIP can get a million and a half for suddenly turning
into a dogmatic democratic party. That's the EU for you...
Griff: Are we the old or young bit of Europe?
Mel: This country is a dangerous land now my friend..this country
is getting older. Everyone's going to become more conservative by the
day. No wonder we need a steady influx of new young blood from
Europe. Putin rides horses. Do you ride horses?
Griff: No but I like to shop in Iceland for burgers
Mel: And he likes sanctions...are you sure you want sanctions?
Griff: I don't mind sanctions
Mel: Who sanctioned this? DO you have any ground based reserves ?
Griff: Like the plutonium I've got in my shed
Mel: No that's lethal how about something you can make a bargain
with. Bartering you know. Like Bargain hunt but with experts. Do you
know any Geologists?
Griff: Yeah I had one of those around and he took a long time
looking at my wife
Mel: In that darkened room?
Griff: Come to think of it I haven't heard from her for a few days
Mel: You did ask for a geologist didn't you and not a
gynaecologist
Griff: Well he said he was practising
Mel: I bet he was..I think your wife has left you.
Griff: Fracking hell !
Mel: Pardon ?
Griff: My wife has left me. And you knew before I did.
Mel: You are better off without her. Just think Dictators can't be
having a nuisance wife in the background. You can have a harem now
and you can frack away to your hearts content these days, without
having to share the proceeds.
Griff: Then that's what I'm going to do. I'll put up a sign in the
local newsagents
Mel: You'll be well happy..look at me I now invest in water. And
look what it did to Texas
Griff: It really is a dry land now
Mel: You can't spit for someone putting a price on it..and when it
rains everyone comes out of their houses and they sell it by the
bucket loads. Your water supply will be a bit fizzy, so the kids will
be pleased
Griff: I'll drink to that I like fizz. Can I pop round soon ?
Mel: Remember I'm well-armed with a water pistol. Even though it's
winter..it's still a Greenzone at the moment
Griff: You mean a Greenbelt
Mel: You can build on those too..I may invest. Are you planning to
invade? Don't just turn up uninvited I'd need to tell the neighbours
first..and make sure you don't smuggle in any contra band
Griff: I keep that down the back of the sofa
Mel: With the remote control?
Griff: Safest place..until I need to get the sofa bed out and then
I'm having a whale of a time.
Mel: Smugglers have to enjoy their own gear. I fully respect that
Griff: Any Taxes due?
Mel: Not really mate..I don't need to pay tax as my kingdom has a
land tax loop hole. I may form ties with my American pal...I'll open
my doors up to my cousins you know.
Griff: Are you signing up to free trade?
Mel: You mean TTIP (The Transatlantic Trade & Investment Partnership) for the
masses..of unemployable
Griff: And what about the vote then?
Mel: I'm disenfranchised...because I pay no tax. So I'm not worth
a vote. I still pay VAT though. I'd like to govern myself. I can be
autocratic without the fear of revolution from the masses. Feudalism
to me sounds like a basis of sound government..
Griff: While Oligarchs are all the rage these days
Mel: Have you been siphoning off people's petrol tanks again at
night?
Griff: No, no I’ve given that up. The price of oil is
low...there's no profit in it
Mel: Authority is fashionable but fickle..this time next year I
could declare myself president of my street. I may expand. Power.
That's the thing you see mate. I've given myself a little power..
Griff: And it’s all gone to your head.
Mel: Once everyone's signed up to having international
corporations who can override national laws, regulations and workers’
rights I'll be the only one devoid of this madness.
Griff: You're a rebel
Mel: With a just cause my friend. Mine own
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| kind a lingers |
