Wednesday, 27 April 2016

John Cooper Clarke

I've been around the world nine, count 'em nine times...
None as good as the bard but I keeps tryin' nondescriptly speaking

Forget me knot

There once was a man from Limerick
Who met a man called John Merrick
They shook hands in Derry
Lost there way on a ferry
And that was his last trick as an elephant

(He died soon after and the newspaper misprinted his wife as bulimic)

Aka a bald stunt on a 70's Bond film

I wore clothes fit for a woman
so I could enjoy high heeled shoes
An exquisite thong, expensive perfume
the best blown dried hair
an artist muse descending down the stair

a zeppelin rollercoaster

i once read you can feed pigeons to dogs
when sleigh bells accumulate and collide
someone said on an underground vlog
i never thought i could jog and fly
i've learnt to joyride sucking on helium

a paper lie

there's a disaster a day
as some would say a calamity
the end of the world is nigh
don't be daft said I
you just read the daily depression 'O meter

the mystery of Mr Eaves

There you are you see
not far from the sea
up to your waist in pee
who'd of thought you'd make a mistake
dancing pissed in a portaloo at Glastonbury

Not to worry Dr John is here for all known cures. Forget the national health junior Doctors strike he's on call 7 days a week - consultations ready in hand. He won't fob you off with a wrong diagnosis, as we all know laughter is the best medicine in a crisis.
I would write a review..but I was too busy enjoying the event to take any notice of that very fact.

Monday, 18 April 2016


I've not had this much fun since...watching it (a few times) 
From the remnants found on Jakku - how a scavenger resurrected a saga
Charismatic Rey, a heap of junkpiloting, one cool castle den, a new iconic bot & an unhinged mortal combat threat..

Now everyone saw this film so there's no spoilers on the dvd..expect tales of who's acted with who from Ex_Machina, Lost, Bond, Star Trek, Inside Llewyn Davis, Game of Thrones (which I've not seen so I don't recognise anyone from that show)

Reveals footage of Chewie getting a hug from Leia cos she needs it you know...not Chewie. I think because Leia really really would of liked a lightsaber and also she and Chewie were best pals once rescuing Han from that Jibba Jabba, back in the day. But you know we all get forgetful. At least Leia didn't confusingly have 25 different costume changes like her Mother...

J.J Abrams explains why he's not directing the next two...?

And no-one but hasbro need know what happened to the snowspeeder chase that never was...?

Da da da da da da da daa


BB-8 now rolling with Episode VIII at Pinewood...awesome

Thursday, 14 April 2016

Rogue nation : Have I got (old) news for you free tree three

Trump says : Who would you most likely trust with a Nuke? Me or Kim Jong Un??!! Flip a coin...believe you me, I will flick that switch before Kim Jong Un does.

 grating greetings
TRUMPISMS of TRUMP : Making Great Britain live up to it's namesake - Great America
Trump says : Did you hear about the New United Nation Shenanigan agreement...? Aka N.U.N.S That's right, Nuns are running Europe. So long as it isn't Catholic priests. Join the Union that founded America and step into the habit. 

Trump says : Yep. I wrote it all on note paper titled 'What the hell is going on..'

Trump says : You Brits are playing God, editing embryo's. I know for a fact that God created life in seven days. And you guys get to experiment for seven days? Crazy..right, what the hell is going on? Can I have an embryo that grows up from 250 cell divisions? Vote for me and let me go full term. (Now In the local cell after the MSNBC comment)

DAVROS = DAVOS v DAESH dot daesh dot dot daesh bake off
Trump says : The need for speed...politics is so slow on catching up with my well thought out and crafted slogans.

EURO Austerity GOODNIGHTY. Aim high then set your sights low
Trump says : Bosnia has applied to join the EU this February. And what has Turkey done? The Turkish Government applies by blackmail..? Bans Zaman newspaper, doesn't recognise Cyprus, won't admit to the genocide of the Armenians, regularly opts for censure and has a good record for locking up reporters and breaking a ceasefire. At least women have equal rights in that part of the world...? That's why my entourage act with restraint against women reporters.

SUGAR TAX : exc cakes, popcorn, cereals, icecream, chocolates, Rum & sugar free Coke
Trump says : I still think it's a good thing you know putting VAT on everything including food, homes, airline fuel, money you gotta do it. You gotta, you know. Osborne is gonna cut Disability allowance on the one hand and give Tax breaks to the well off...this is democracy in action. Thank you George. Isn't he great. He even got a credit on the new Star Wars film, now that's divine influence...of the force.

face off

Trump says : Erdogan v Smeagol. How much actual cgi would it take to make them both real? Technically they are both works of fiction. One is fake. Someone give Erdogan a ring so that he can disappear? (said with no sense of irony)

Trump says : Don't ban me from Britain..when I come over to the UK to meet Boris Johnson it'll be more phoney..I mean funny. It'll be too late for you guys to realise exactly how Boris became a successful businessman just like me. It's very perplexing...he still looks like a cute teddy bear - which will win over Weetabix voters..oops I mean Brexit voters. Let me tell you the former is owned by the Chinese. Have you had your two a day?

Trump says : Migrating birds. We all know it happens. You see up there in the big blue sky, they are a problem and I vow to shoot those birds right out of the skies. And I will also personally offer passport checks on Canadian geese. My people also have a blueprint to stop all Whales traversing along El Nino because I firmly believe Whales must be causing global warming...

Trumps says : We must stop underwater submarine sonic bursts well before we know what the hell is causing beached Whales. How this relates to El Nino is anyone's guess...I'm no scientist

THE COLD STUFF : A no fly zone imposed by NATO on Assad's military jets...a flaky tale
Trump says : Keep calm in this weird wonderful world. Lets work with the Russian military, you know have a chat to see how we can work closely with...Assad? We are not a competitive nation but America should have got to Palmyra first.

Trump says : Cumbria and York keep flooding..? Dam it people, talk to the Zuidezee guys

THE 120 billion pound question
Trump says : The NHS must make the most out of bunk beds to alleviate the chronic lack of bed space..

FORE! Pitch and putt
Trump says : Only migrants who can play a decent round on my golf course in Scotland are allowed into's a longer journey but for those who can stomach playing mixed doubles earn extra points. Those who stop women golfers playing first...will automatically be deported. Because I said equal rights are all par of the course...and I haven't even begun to discuss the merits of He for She.

CAN GENDER EQUALITY survive in the new Europe?
Trump says : The third runway for Heathrow? Has anyone heard of Gatwick, it's a no brainer. I had that idea given to me from my friend Boris

MAN, MANNERS and MANTRAS on women only trains
Trump says : Lets switch off all electricity at night..that's when the internet is at it's most dangerous. Makes sense people even to me...!

Trump says : Lets make London a nuclear free zone and replace all hotel teapots with lead lined ones. It'll be safer and from then onwards any FSB agent will think twice before plotting any assassination attempts.

Politics RIGHT WING or LEFT WING ? YOU NEED EM BOTH TO FLY- then they can flock off!
Trump says : Anyone found to be advocating decent socialist principles will be hung drawn and quartered and then fed to the fishes...although the Spanish and French trawlers will probably throw you back and are more than likely to cut your nets and ram your boats. (That was a euro brexit joke)

Trump says : Only in the UK can a judge jail a former SAS soldier for keeping a gun in his house instead of an amnesty extension or confiscation. You can even legally get them deactivated quite legally. I'm no gun advocate but I can judge the public mood. All Britons should be allowed guns! There I've said it.

(Unfortunately Trumps plans go awry as no ammunition will be allowed for sale because of those damn Brits stupid health and safety rules...cap guns meanwhile sell like hot cakes)

EINSTEIN A GO GO : E = Mexico & Corea squared
Trump says : I will build everyone in Mexico a wall. Soon no one has to bother mending their fences anymore...

THAAD : Terminal High Altitude Area Defense = Kwangmyongsong-4 
Trump says : Anyone found to be advocating extremist ideologies will be given compulsory lessons in the benefits of silence whilst reading Confucius and tackle creative therapy coloring in books. And I know nothing about coniferous trees let alone conkers. This is news to me. (Trump has already completed the Harry Potter coloring in books)

Trump says : The best ingredient for a happy life is with a smile..that way you ain't doing any harm. Unless I open my mouth

UN declare the Falkland Islands Oil is now Argentinian and not George Osbornes. 
Trump says : 10,000 forced marriages, now a crime in Britain..not a cultural practice. Get with the new times people. Hey I'm only saying it...I've never even met the Brits in-laws you know. Ha ha.

TRUMP ON HISTORY : Is there any future in it?
Trump says : YOU Brits had the BLITZ then you exported it to Dresden and then we exported it to Baghdad because the first time it wasn't shocking enough?! I blame Bush and his brother Jeb.

Trump says : Give me a dollar and I will make it turn into a dime. That's right I am now investing in Shariah compliant alcohol, weapons (except dry cocks), pork, oil, gambling or pornography. I am now an ethical investor, but I'm not sure what ethics there are living under Sharia law. This is ironic right..and I don't understand irony?
    Includes media...I left that bit out. I mean who would want complete control of the press? I like freedom of the press, it's important and I wouldn't get anywhere without it. Obviously post Leveson we have to be more careful. But I don't live in the UK. Today I am reading the Panama papers...

Trump says : Assad and Putin allow a Leningrad style siege to take Daraya, Madaya and Aleppo? The UN meanwhile took weeks looking up in a dictionary what the actual meaning of besieged means...I will see Assad tried at the Hague before I become President. Ain't that the truth.

ST PETERSBURG 70 years old wisdom under seige
Trump says : I had a Chocolate Putin...for Easter. He came out of a hole and let me tell you which part I ate first. Listen. I hope I get to be made out of chocolate. Then I will be your dentist. One day people can eat me too and their teeth will rot.

It's like the capture at the end of that Rogue Nation film

Trump says : K.A.E.C the big City mirage in a desert oasis costing $60 billion and counting...there will soon enough housing for everyone. And there will be no segregation of religion anywhere in my world because everyone gets along just hunky dory.

Trump says : In no way do people in power ever use propaganda to pit populations against one another just because of sanctions on oil and cheese. Might be because of the War though. Let me make that clear.

This ladies and gentlemen, is the size of my brain

Trump says : Stuff Creationism. May I remind you again that the real reason the Dinosaurs faded away was because they farted themselves out of existence...but not crocodiles. Somehow these guys survived?! And my fart jokes are funny and they keep on evolving too.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah..haha lol.....ha

Trump says : I once fooled my dog by throwing a ball, the dog was caught with the duchess

Trump says : I once fooled my dog by throwing a ball, the dog didn't wear a costume

Trump says : I once fooled my dog by throwing a ball, the dog wasn't invited..but the bitch decided to turn up anyway

IT'S NOT A JOKE real life..some people already in government are just a bit shit
Please stop reading this. This is the supposed end of a post. Don't read any more of this sentence it's not really worth reading. Why are you still reading this? It really isn't important. I can understand the need to scan read a few things to see if it's worth reading but really? Seriously this bit is a waste of time. Seriously this is quite silly. Please stop..if you don't stop reading this I will. I mean it, why read on any further? I'm not reading this anymore either. I think I'm going to have to really end this bit now by stopping here. Or here. Ok a tiny wee bit further. Seriously OCD here on the keypad. I'm going for a coffee now it's making me thirsty. Ok that's it. Done, not quite - I'm going for an iced tea instead it's chill time. Right ok I really am finishing here. Nope. Changed my It looks better.