Saturday 20 May 2017

Snap Election-sneering





What does it all mean?! Hold your breath...

Is it...brits voting for the sake of approving less police on the streets, more food banks, desperate overworked junior doctors and understaffed hospitals, more Doctors leaving than joining a practice, free school meals axed, budgets slashed, university students saddled with yet more debt, more fracking, the disabled penalised, bedroom tax, cuts in housing benefits to the young...

What will we be voting for? More Power Enhancement...? Sounds like a Duracell battery

Another Coalition of the unwilling?
Everyone herding like sheep to inaugurate Theresa's mandate of strong mints?
Opps the Queens horse has bolted from the EU Stable
What a massive turnout...of double standards
So that Brexit can cheer up Boris Johnson?
Nothing to do with the 2015 Local Conservative Party funds not collated to include Camerons bus - they got £70,000 in fines and 20 or more Conservative MP's could lose their seats & face criminal charges - but not when there's an election on
Remember Ipsa? See which MP is most cost effective...

Fact or Fiction: Fake News  
Triple lock pension? Not guaranteed under Theresa May
Nothing guaranteed that's why everything's a bit odd at the moment
Labour will retain triple lock. (Pensions increase between av wages, inflation or 2.5%)
Yep, sounds boring. Don't understand it.
Winter fuel payments scrapped: because of climate change (it's warmer in the winter)
A weak pound pushes up inflation
Does it...I don't do math
The NHS has lowered manager numbers nuffieldtrust.org.uk
Waiting target lists are up
Mostly pinned on Hospital notice boards. A dartboard is optional
The National Health Service future depends on employees from overseas..and old people
Care homes never charge £1,000 a week, choose Travel Lodge, they only charge £50 a night
Labour increased Nurse numbers by 80,000
Teachers love teaching they leave after five years cos the pay is too good
Doctor numbers have increased by 10,000 under the Conservatives? True or false
Mostly via an app face time system...?
NHS direct was set up by Labour
The Conservatives scrapped it
PFI's were set up by Labour...dodgy privatisation by the back door of the NHS
The Post Office would never be sold off under Labour
The Conservatives sold it because the Post Office Pension plan was HUGE
That's why a first class stamp went up from 28pence to 65pence.
emails now cost £3.50 to send - uproar sends people out into the streets to talk
Labour banned Fox hunting on a free vote
Conservatives want another to repeal it
Sheep farmers make too much money
Brexit means they will get richer much quicker..

VW admits Diesel cars are a bit polluting
This is mostly for London & Parliaments Air Quality Strategy mid-election purdah
Labour admits Tax breaks for Diesel cars were mistaken...Petrol cars are still pollutants
Brits now literally have to get on their bikes
Most Uk residents drive electric cars anyway and they are soo quiet
A new EU law means all new electric cars have to be fitted with a V engine digitised sound
Brits opt for the sound of a VW car - constantly in reverse

BUNKER FUEL: you don't have to look it up - you are already breathing it in..makes the importing of Christmas goods all the more worthwhile
Thousands sue the manufacturers of Diesel buses & cars...meanwhile massive tankers ships pollute your air 

There will be jobs for 27,000 people just to sort through the millions of Brexit transaction pdf's
Police officers increase by 10,000 to help tackle the 10% rise in crime
This costs about £300 or £300,000 depending if you can remember cost quotes on a hectic day£800millions or 10,000 nurses?
The Conservatives are tough on crime and Yvonne Fletchers killer is jailed
Crimes committed from an Embassy revokes your political amnesty

KNOWN AS A conservative DOUBLE BLUFF: Keep migration high, and then what? Blame N Ireland & Scotland for wanting to stay in the EU? 

Theresa May as Home Secretary since 2010 has successfully lowered immigration by 75%

First of all, some 15% of the more than 550,000 people moving into the UK are returning British citizens whose movements cannot be affected. Neither can ministers block EU nationals, who make up about a third of all arrivals. The remaining half – around 280,000 – are long-term arrivals from the rest of the world, the cohort whose movements can be influenced by policy changes.

Guardian 2010
Migrationobservatory
BBC : Conservatives missed targets 2015

brexit riddle

True or False : UK Businesses were doing such bad business for decades in Europe that it caused Britain to be in a deep depression and caused insecurity, anxiety & most notably austerity. Architecture in Checkolovakia and Italy was envied by the brits including Amsterdams tramways and Belgium cycleways that we simply could not afford to imagine we were anything but happy on our own turf. You are not allowed to walk on the grass in the UK, yet most dogs have the freedom of movement to crap everywhere...there is now a new meaning to the words doggy bag

Dog owners have to have a license, they now have to be registered and you can be banned for having a nuisance dog that hasn't been trained by the school of Barbara Woodhouse
RSPCA succeeds in implementing a ban on Halal meat.

EU nationals status alongside freedom of movement is not part of any Single market deal

Brexit heralds in a new wave of EU migrant workers keen to sift through Trade negotiations with all 27 EU countries.

It takes 40 years to unravel (...this isn't Canada you know)
Starting with the letter A... 
Thousands of EU financial service jobs move out of London to Europe

The only part of Europe worth visiting was Benidorm
Brits are now banned from Benidorm & Magaluf
Britain battles for her drinking rights so that we can still party hard on the beach 24/7
Britain upholds and follows the European Courts of Justice ban on the Niqab & Burka
Turkey officials are keen to promote peaceful tourism in Washington
Trump & Erdogan get on like a house on fire - both know how to incite a riot

The Armed forces increase year on year by 7,000
Mostly Gurka applications; originally there were only 200 placements
Armed forces housing is featured in Grand designs and not DIY SOS

Trident is sold to the EU & Japan to help fund the Brexit exit pay scale
One sub got stuck on an Island and one missile misfire does not mean were not more likely to blow ourselves up like N Korea
After Afghanistan America and Britain do not have a Heroin epidemic
The Govt halts military exports to Saudi on account of the Yemen humanitarian disaster
Amnesty Int

The UK allows the Chinese army to set up new bases
These new recruits are all plastic soldiers.
They melt under the summer sun and degrade like plastic bags
Until someone had the bright idea of using plastics to re-tarmac roads with
Now who's Environmentally friendly
China probably : MAKE OUR SKIES BLUE AGAIN

The RAF is doubled to counter the Russian threat of encroaching into Her Majesty's Airspace
It's now called the RAFRAF
The next Govt secures a UN Mandate that imposes no-fly zones in Syria which allow the security and safety of populations to return
This goes to plan after Trump drowns Assad in a chlorine pool
The US & UK has no trade deal with Mexico until Nas Falton 43! is solved

The Pope plays Pokemon Go in the Vatican
Stephen Fry is accused of blasphemy - this was an Irish April fool joke
All new prisons conform to EU regulated standards
Everyone has freedom of movement - from a cell to many many millions of divisions to become a well rounded happy, sane and competent human being
Unfortunately, open prisons are subject to fines
These are found in homes across the UK; we fined ourselves with rife internet gambling addictions

Gambling ad Jackpotjoy is banned on TV. This sets a precedent.
No more working class actors promoting gambling
Only those with an Eton background end up in top class blockbusters like Jupiter Ascending
All Gambling Adverts are banned from Snooker mostly because of bad Betfred fonts

YouTube establishes a U, PG, 15, 18 and over 25 cinema equivalent home safe ratings.
Those over 40 needn't worry...you are not relevant 'click bait' in this age group
Unless you are on facebook and news feed is ALL IN CAPITAL LETTERS
The Independent Internet Regulator body (IIR) set up 10 years ago eradicates up to 78% of all known terrorist & criminal content from the web each month
Any internet hosts content that promotes Islamic extremism is fined $4,000,000
Any crime committed by such promotional material leads to jail terms for CEO's of internet firms
This is top priority for the next Govt
The promotion of Wahabism ends under the Saudi's when Oil runs out & the desert is covered in solar panels

Schools never go without a good dose of budgetary constraints because they are all free schools
Kids learn stuff off the internet anyway, its quicker and easier and no teenager has an excuse that they don't get good grades - it's all 1-9 now. Not A, B or C. 1, 2 & 3 grades are exactly like first, second or third in a race....if you get a 9 you must have failed or you need to re-take your exams.

Michael Gove becomes a head teacher
Iain Duncan Smith volunteers to help out at a Foodbank distribution centre for a year

Free fruit is available to the under-sevens at school - no kiwi fruit or apples.
One is too high in vitamin C and will create allergy's and Apples are too acidic for baby teeth
Jamie Oliver's healthy foods for schools has been 85% rolled out...
unless the lunch snatcher gets voted in

Online bullying by teenagers becomes a criminal offence...thousands of parents are fined.
Teenagers are grounded and pocket money is docked
Knives, machetes & ceremonial swords are banned from sale on the internet
The Met has 25 years to eradicate knife crime (since the 1980's they have learnt lots from the USA)
We can thank the yanks who gave us crack cocaine, Country music and Tasers
(And no-ones ever died as a result of being tasered...)

Facebook is banned to the under 16's
Facebook is fined $122million for misleading EU regulators over the WhatsApp deal
By law, no child under 14 is allowed a mobile phone
All schools have now banned mobile phones
Includes MP's who used to be regularly caught setting a bad example surfing the net and by texting whilst seated in Parliament.

A deregulated banking system is null & void. Competition is restricted
Internet banking is not forced on you by banks willing to cut opening times and then eventually leave the high st in towns & villages

Water Utilities don't compete for pipes
All energy bills are capped
A Universal NHS Insurance scheme has been in place for 15 years and is linked to NI contributions
Corporation Tax is 24% rises to 35% if you have a monopoly
I'm not plucking figures from the thin air you know
Do you think the Govt will allow 61% of Sky to be bought by Murdoch's 21st Century Fox?
By early July you'll know the outcome. Next time you pay your £60 monthly fee to Sky just remember some of it could go to Jerry Hall...rather than to one of the Murdoch's who owned a dodgy newspaper that was accused of hacking phones
Believe in better

BHS buys back shares to pay off Dominic Chappell's mortgage-free home
If you abandon workers Pension money you go to Jail
If you pay £300 million back you lose a Knighthood & one yacht

Wage earners £75,000 to £120,000 are taxed at 37%, at £121,000 to £175,000 it's 45%
Who earns over £176,000?
George Osborne, he juggles half a dozen different jobs. He's no work shy shirker & can afford more £25,000 sheds than David Cameron has hot dinners (but he hasn't got a book deal yet)

Offshore tax havens are now available on Jersey, the Isle of Wight, Gibraltar & The Falkland Islands (which are all off the coast of Scotland)
Any overseas buyers to London need to pay a 17% buyers levy
If negotiated over the web there is a £45,000 minimum property estate handling fee
This aids urban redevelopment for the poor aka kicking out public sector workers

BAH's.. aka Boyfriends and Husbands of Women footballers become the new tabloid tag
No tickets to concerts are for sale on the web.
You go to your local record store, club or buy direct from the band

Trains run on rails and all Trains are double decker, there are no low bridges, there is plenty of overhead baggage space and double the usual area for your suitcase(s)
This has nothing to do with Brexit..its all about passenger legroom
Theresa May would have something to say about that
What about the Labour Leader?
Harriet Harman..the best leader Labour could have had?
Or the one who didn't want to bother sitting on a seat in a Virgin train?

People forget Labour introduced the National Minimum Wage Act
Scrapped Section 28 & introduced Civil Partnerships
Helped to secure the Good Friday Agreement
Secured 30,000 more teachers
Lifted a million pensioners out of poverty
But let's not talk about war...
Let's talk about tuition fees - these have trebled under the Conservatives. The level of loan interest is set to increase to 6% in September
Tories scrapped maintenance grants 
Labour will bring them back
Who wouldn't want free car parking when visiting a Hospital...?
Rail fares are costed using Consumer price index instead of retail price index...rail franchises are fined for overcharging.
Southern Rail is re-nationalised..
The Tory's sell of Rail Track - all hell breaks loose. Rail users accept more misery
But at least we've helped pay part of the Nations debt..for one month

Norway joins Europe and then GAS exports are sold to the EU and not the UK
Rail freight increases to compensate for huge pollutant increase in nitrogen dioxide emissions by HGV's
Thousands of HGV vehicles are taken off Britains motorways
Privatize, Nationalise, Privatise, Nationalise, Privatise, Nationalise - just set this into law every six years so that each govt has something to do to

The Monument
Building cheap housing out of environmentally friendly wood does not make them a fire hazard
Housing near a main road in Britain is at least a quarter of a mile away and not 3 metres.
This is null and void when all vehicles go electric & everyone plugs into CGN nuclear power
The Chinese remember have never stolen secrets from the Americans

Yo-yo politics of ye olde conservative v ye olde labour
Or growth via Co-operation and sustainability

Closing the EU stable door after the Queens horse has bolted...what are the odds  7/4?
Otherwise Prince Charles will rescind his right to the throne and act only as a guide to William..10/1
Please gamble responsibly 

It's not by individualistic choice.
It's all about economics, ergonomics & egomaniacs. Vote to steer the Brit ships to avoid the Brexit Iceberg. Luckily there's plenty of lifeboats, no coal fires burning below deck or cheap Chinese Steel to sink the UK's wealth of businesses pushing the debt-ridden masses overboard condemning them to drown in freezing waters. Don't forget it will always be the Captain's fault.

(There's no global warming now so Icebergs are still current in this optimistic WTO analogy. That's why Trump just signed an executive order to drill in the Arctic. But at least no-one's talking about policies, the EU customs union or...Grammar schools)

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