Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Anchorman 3 : The Future is Burgundy part 5 (with lots of scotch)

The future is Burgundy

                   THE HIGH FIVES

                       Champ: Hey Ron do you know how much memory this internet is using?

                   Ron: Nope!

                   Fantana: Here's the deal. The more stuff you put on line...

                   Ron: The more you have to look at?!

                   Fantana: The more data storage facilities they have to build

                   Champ: Mega server mainframes too

                         Fantana: We're talking not just about a huge room like...

                   Champ: 'The big iron'

                   Brick: I'm the The Iron Man...

                   Veronica: ...and Man feigns a womb

                   Fantana: Crazy, football size stadiums of this stuff

                   Ron: Sounds like a crazy whole lotta electricity usage...

                   Veronica: Well I did read on the internet that they off-set their carbon footprint

                   Ron: By walking instead of using gas guzzling cars?

                   Fantana: Have you seen Detroit lately?!

                   Champ: Like I said man, don't believe everything you read on the net

                   Ron: Why, you'd use good 'ol Nuclear Energy right? Three Mile Island was 
                   just a blip...what else can go wrong?

                   Fantana: Why do you think the arms race is over

                   Ron: The arms race is over?

                   Champ: They need nuclear energy more than ever now

                   Fantana: Those in the know, know, you know

                   Ron: Well, I hope nobody sends blueprints of this Nuke stuff on the 'internet'
                   That would be un-american. And very, very stupid.

                   Veronica: Shall I do the lowdown on state secrets?

                   Brick: Blancmange in Ecuador

                   Champ: We're listening to you...all-lies of Europe

                   Fantana: But get this. Once it's written down...

                   Champ: It's like used like some sorta evidence thing...

                   Veronica: The law loves print. It's like the Spanish Inquisition

                   Ron: I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition?!

                   Monty Python Team: “NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!”

                   Champ: Whammy!?

                   Fantana: Yeah, Witch-hunts and everything...

                   Champ: Like George Orwell's Big Brother...constantly on leisure time

                   Brick: It's the All Seeing Eye

                   Ron: Hold up team. All Power..Information..Knowledge and Technology..
                   is monopolized?

                   Fantana: Governments love this stuff. Do you know what they call it

                   Ron: P.I.K.T. ?

                   Champ: They call it the eye-cloud

                   Brick: I met Chani in a cloud 

                   Ron slash Champ slash Veronica slash Fantana: In a crowd Brick, you mean
                   you met her in a crowd

                   Brick: No, it was definitely a cloud.

                   Veronica: Oh

                   Brick: See, here's the photo

                   Fantana: That must be like 20,000ft up

                   Champ: Are you serious?

                   Ron: He is. It's Cirrus..thin whispy cloud

                   Champ: Oh yeah, I see. 100ASA film taken with a Single Lens Reflex camera 
                   right

                   Ron: !! Thanks, Champ !! Say, remind me who invented the SLR?

                   Champ: Thomas Sutton...a brit and not a double-barrelled name in sight!

                   Veronica: (holding the photo) I can see an Airplane in the sky

                   Mel Brooks: Here let me enlarge that photo a little for you 

                   Ron: Well, now that it's the size of a very TALL building I can see clearly now
                   ...after my accident. I had high anxiety then too...I curve balled that one in!

                   Fantana: What do you see?

                   Ron: Leslie Nielson in Airplane?!

                   Veronica: Surely you're not serious?

                   Leslie Nielson: Of course he's serious...and don't call me Shirley

                   Veronica: Are you in heaven?

                   Leslie Nielson: I can't tell...the foods awful

                   Brick: I had lasagne too!

                   Veronica: You can tell me. I'm a reporter

                   Leslie Nielson: No. I mean I'm just not sure.

                   Veronica: Well, can't you take a guess?

                   Leslie Nielson: Not, well for another couple of hours

                   Veronica: You can't take another guess for at least another couple of hours?

                   Leslie Nielson: Can you fly this plane and land it?

                   Veronica: Surely you can't be serious

                   Leslie Nielson: I am serious and stop calling me Shirley

                   Walter: Hey this guy was in the 4.0 Part. How come he's here again!?


                   Leslie Nielson: You can use me as many four times as you like. It relieves the 
                   high anxiety on this plane and boy you just didn't listen the first time. I'm here 
                   because I'm FUNNY kid! Do you see these eyes I laugh through them, do you
                   see this delivery it's a deadpan look and this planes a charter flight it's cheap
                   but I like expensive clothes and a good scotch brandy and regal lager when 
                   I'm home ...now if you don't mind I've got to find a pilot.

                   Champ: How did you get that high Brick?

                   Veronica: Have you been using the Banda duplicator machine again?

                   Fantana slash Veronica: Ditto slash ditto!


                   There was a time before a land of make believe when the Banda duplicator
                   machines reigned supreme in the schools, Veronica had a sweet smell of 
                   success and the whole class loved to copier. This was a time when teachers
                   knew nothing and told you everything; when you could go to the chimney 
                   stack staff room and get a waft of smoke worth flavouring. When the School
                   Library was like the Library of Alexandria and thankfully that got burned
                   too and saved onto hard drives the size of Montana and as high as the
                   mountains in IOWA (the uppercase state with it's 'mountains' of cornfields!) 
                   When slash and burn was just lighting a field and running away. When society 
                   could tell right from wrong and put it in a song. When Ghandi and Mother 
                   Teresa were angels and not just a flight of fancy like Dorothy. In other words
                   humanity is doomed just as it was before except this time we can showoff
                   about it.....but damn it don't we look good on a selfie!
                
                   Veronica: Didn't Julias Caesar burn Alexandria down?

                   Ron: Who is this guy from the NBA? 

                   Champ: Is he another Brit?

                   Julias Caesar: And thankfully they got burned too...


                   Ron: Say, who brought print to that overvalued nation

                   Fantana slash Brick slash Veronica: William Caxton!

                   Brick: PRINT that everyone lower print upper PRINT lower print upper
                   UPPER CASE and lower lower case. I love...font 

                   ................


                   (A Brits Mansion house):  Letter visuals - UPPERCASE FOR THE RICH
                   (A Brit Poor house): Poor person holding a placard 'lowercase for the poor' 

                   Monty Python Team : This is a court of law for the case for uppers and the
                   case for downers


                   CUE MONTY PYTHON SKETCH: Breaking news is as good as any old news


                   Judge Cleese: Right! I am Judge I have a wig, look at at it see it on top of my
                   head wig (slaps an owl a ref to Hedwig from Harry Potter) In my court room
                   everyone is guilty and not guilt free! What task do we have today

                   Barrister Palin: It's the upper case for the rich & the lower case for the poor
                   me'lord

                   Judge Cleese: Can't we do it on the same level

                   Barrister Palin: Figment of speech m'lord they are on the same level but not
                   on the same plane

                   Judge Cleese: Ahh yes...let's fly with that one. Bring the defendants forward

                   poor man: i am a lower case m'laud

                   Judge Cleese: Yes speak up speak up down there

                   RICH MAN: AND I AM UPPERCASE MY LORD

                   Judge Cleese : Yes that's better much more in tune to the cause. Stay on the
                   same poor font won't you Mr Caxton don't want to waste the inks..there's a 
                   good chap. 

                   William Caxton: Or the links...

                   poor man: i'm a downer sir i know because i'm too poor to look up

                   Judge Cleese: And is UP very far?

                   poor man: to heaven me'laud..

                   Judge Cleese: Good answer 

                   poor man: and i have humility, so i never ever have the need to 

                   Judge Cleese: And that keeps you in your place doesn't it you poor wretch of 
                   a man

                   poor man: Yes (he looks up)

                   Barrister Palin: How dare you look up! And take an uppercase letter!
                   (Barrister Palin proceeds to hit poor man with a ruler)

                   Judge Cleese: Rules are rules and our rule is no rule goes unpunished. Now 
                   where were we I was quite enjoying that bit of punishing wit

                   Barrister Palin: Rich man's cause m'lord

                   RICH MAN: I am an Uppercase my Lord I look down on everyone. I know because
                   I'm so rich to the brim of Upper Esquire

                   Judge Cleese: And is the brim of Upper... very full?

                   RICH MAN: To breaking point my Lord we're on the 2,014th floor of brim already

                   Judge Cleese: And the view up top, nice is it?  

                   RICH MAN: It is your Lord ship   

                   Judge Cleese: And below..?

                   RICH MAN: It's hell down there and pretty grim. But I have a good lawyer so 
                   I never need to admit it

                   Barrister Palin: But you just have

                   RICH MAN: No I didn't....oh yes, yes let me see - ah here it is...so I did!

                   Lawyer: Great now wasn't the best time to do a ******** (aka Caxton edit)

                   (Lawyer to the RICH MAN is mown down in a hail of bullets from a Hitman)
                   With the letters: 'Lawyers you have been warned' (stamped across the screen)

                   Judge Cleese: Good good answer that's ho..

                   Judge Cleese: w we like to keep it and ourselves together

                   William Caxton: Sorry I just ran out of ink a bit there guv'nor

                   Judge Cleese: Can't you remember a simple re-use of letters in ink? What is it?  

                   William Caxton: I. - N. - K.  guv'

                   Judge Cleese: Right listen laddie I've had it up to here with you're 'I'm running 
                   out of ink m'larky'. I can go for the black cap you know..anytime I feel the 
                   'desire'.
                          Oooh the parchments not quite the right weight and now lets try 'paper'
                   and now it's all damp from you wining...you squid-headed pig foul of a poor
                   mother's baboon

                   William Caxton: Right I'm off

                   Judge Cleese: No wait we've got to finish this tirade I'll settle up after alright
                   just carry on I'll give you british bonds, cash, no euro's okay?

                   William Caxton: Mmm interest rates aren't that great but then what with
                   inflation on the rise and trillions in debt...I'm willing to take a gamble 
                   especially what with the federal reserve backing down on quantative easing. 
                   Plus I've always wanted a flat screen TV handheld thingy. I've always wanted
                   to say that in print and we may have to start burning money anyway it'll be 
                   worthless soon

                   Barrister Palin: (waving the ruler)  Just you watch it sonny I've got my eye on 
                   you  

                   Judge Cleese: Let's slash and burn...give me a candle I'm going to
                   burn the lot. I blame internet banking.
                    
                   poor man: i have one match to last all year (Barrister hits him with a ruler)

                   RICH MAN: I have a Zippo lighter and a Burgundy Line cigar...i think its cuban 
                   slash chinese? What a cheap cigar. You have it poor man

                   poor man: but i don't smoke

                   RICH MAN: I don't want you to smoke it. Eat it. No-one should have to suffer a
                   cheap cuban except the poor

                   Champ: Whammy!

                   Barrister Palin: It's okay m'lord we have electricity no need for candles

                   Judge Cleese: I said I wanted to BURN it not 'electrocute it' who's side are you
                   on? poorman, Rich Man, beggar man?

                   poorman RICH MAN & beggar man: YES, WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON?!

                   Barrister Palin: I was just merely pointing out that we are now in the 
                   Illumination Age..and I will beat you into it you little poor man (hits poor
                   man again and again)

                   poor man: that was the Enlightenment Age

                   Barrister Palin: (Hitting the poor man with the ruler) Stop showing off 

                   RICH MAN: No this is the Entitlement Age

                   William Caxton: No it's the Elimination Age 

                   Barrister Palin: Without electricity we would have no artificial light...

                   poor man: i can't afford artificiality and i go to bed early

                   RICH MAN: I can afford artificiality and I can't live without it

                   Barrister Palin: And without binary code we would not have an electronic codex

                   William Caxton: Damn!

                   poor man: what's b-i-n-a-r-y c-o-d-e

                   RICH MAN: I understand maths and you are just a number

                   Barrister Palin: It's called the Kindle no use to write K in the ink anymore 

                   Judge Cleese: Why?

                   Barrister Palin: That'd be 'Kinky'
                   
                   William Caxton: I had an 'inkling' he would say that! (Crowds hurl Lord of the 
                   Rings books at him...they are dressed like Hobbits & someone throws a Narnia
                   Aslan soft toy which squeaks on landing)

                   Judge Cleese: How do you know about me? Have you been reading my letters to 
                   my wife in the dungeon

                   Barrister Palin: No m'lord you specifically told me never to tell anyone you kept
                   your wife in the dungeon

                   Judge Cleese: Lets wrap this whole charade up that's it. Case solved. I've had 
                   enough.

                   Barrister Palin: I'm good with a coffee

                   Judge Cleese: I'm having Earl Grey. poorman, Camden Wit beverage - are YOU 
                   writing this down Mr Caxton. Thank you. RICH MAN Earl Grey for two please

                   Barrister Palin: Oh what about the case m'lord

                   Judge Cleese: Ah yes of course that old teabag...Uppers for the downers and
                   Downers for the Uppers. Will that do? 

                   Barrister Palin: Yes i think so

                   (Everyone nods in approval)

                   Judge Cleese: I thought that went rather well don't you. Right Panda musk 
                   Team 5 back to you. I hear it's very rare....
                   
                   Brick: I love the aroma of Panda!

                   Veronica: Ditto! Musk of Panda...mmmm  

                   Ron: I can tell you I'm feeling quite tense now. This Panda joke is going
                   to run and run and run

                   Veronica: Panda Furr...Purr!

                   Fantana: I hear Bamboo is great for pole dancing..  

                   Ron: I'm soo glad I got to experience that Panda and put it out in open.

                   Brick: We love to swing (they are on a swing ok a proper park swing!)

                   Chani: We love the smell of freshly cut grass

                   Ron: I'm not surprised....your roof has no snow on it

                   Champ: The sky above the roof man!

                   Fantana: ...The Sky Above The Roof. Verlaine right? Girls love it. Sweet.

                   Brick: Haven't you ever made a wish before?

                   Ron: He's right.

                   Fantana: He's a High-Flyer

                   Team 5: High-Five! High-Five! High-Five! High-Five! High-Five!

                   Ron: Wishes do come true you know

                   Champ: VAROOM!




                    24th (part4) 22nd (part3) 18th (part2) 14th (Part1) 


  

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