Police Squad : The case of the smoking gun

It's the word on the street. And someone wrote PATH...in like big chalk letters in the middle of the ROAD. It was a mystery and Frank Drebin was the right man to lead the way, driving down the wrong way up a dead end street

crime busters

Police Squad : The case of the smoking gun 

Ed Hocken: How's your day Frank?

Frank Drebin: I fried a kid today

Ed Hocken: You fried a kid? What the hell for?

Frank Drebin: Smoking, the usual

Ed Hocken: Did you put him out?

Frank Drebin: Yeah, I put him out of his misery

Ed Hocken: You shot him?

Frank Drebin: No, I left him smoking in the corridor

Ed Hocken: Why didn't you put it out?

Frank Drebin: And take away another mans pleasure?

Ed Hocken: Cigarette?

Frank Drebin: Yes. I know

Ed Hocken: You didn't light it did you?

Frank Drebin: No. I don't smoke

Ed Hocken: You gave it up?... I never knew that

Frank Drebin: Lighting up and smoking for pleasure is a nasty business and I never inhale

Ed Hocken: Putting a Cigarette in your mouth won't harm you

Frank Drebin: Then don't light it

Ed Hocken: Well, I'll play safe. I've got a whole packet of cigarettes in my mouth right now

Frank Drebin: You certainly have and you've left the celophane on...I like your style

Ed Hocken: Yes I have ?

Frank Drebin: And good shoes? Non of this shammy leather. Because I'm going to give you
some solid ground of advice as a precaution

Ed Hocken: Don't you mean Caution?

Frank Drebin: Right now I want to know how you can speak with a packet of cigarettes in your mouth?

Ed Hocken: I'm writing this down..

Frank Drebin: I often wondered what those prompt cards were. Fine. I'm writing down - CAUTION. Proceed.

Ed Hocken: Fine? Okay, but what are the costs? I've only got $50 in my wallet

Frank Drebin: A bribe won't get you anywhere. But $75 might do it.. and you can get the next bus out of this town and into a whole lotta other states depending on whether it's legal to take bribes. But I don't need to know about that.

Ed Hocken: Why?

Frank Drebin: Because it's your body and one's body is not the same as anybody else's body unless that body belonged to a body that respected itself, held its body in high regard and put it safely to bed at night so that that body was taken care of like nobody's elses business. And I'd own that body like it was my own body keeping it warm during office hours. A body of work that had a good clean reputation and one body that wouldn't leave anybody disappointed. Why even at night we'd watch a body of stars, make fire, eat nan bread, down bohitos and tequila. Like I said before, like nobody else's business and more importantly It's not in my body of jurisdiction and my body of remit is narrow for these kinds of things

Ed Hocken: How narrow?

Frank Drebin: Like a gnats windpipe

Airplane?  Yes. I know 

  

Ed Hocken: That was quite a body of words for such a cautionary tale...have you another?

Frank Drebin: Yes. I've put a barrier up, cordoned off the vicinity at least four blocks down and there's a police helicopter on its way with trained experts armed with super sniper rifles and it only takes one of these who can shoot a Lucky Strike within a two mile radius! No-one can get in or out of the city...I've put an APB on you and there's a curfew after 9pm and its exactly 21:09 and you're nine minutes over twenty one hundred hours

Ed Hocken: Nien

Frank Drebin: That's wrong No? Surely you mean Yes

Ed Hocken: Nein. Sorry spelling mistake and Shirley always said Yes

Frank Drebin: No. You still spelt nine wrong. Can't you spell the right time? I said nine minutes past the hour. Nine was the curfew. Shirley's turning up later

Ed Hocken: She can't just turn up on a whim?

Frank Drebin: Can't she keep appointments anymore no one told me. It's late and I've got to get home soon. Don't you know there's a War on?

Ed Hocken: Why did you go overboard with all that Security?

Frank Drebin: I didn't, we're not on a boat. This is dry land.

Ed Hocken: Land of the Free..

Frank Drebin: To do whatever the hell we want

Ed Hocken: The hell you do

Frank Drebin: I'm arresting you for getting me into this hell

Ed Hocken: The hell you are

Frank Drebin: Who the hells going to clear all this mess up...Shirley?

Ed Hocken: I'm only sucking on a packet of cigarettes?

Frank Drebin: She always gave me that old excuse too

Ed Hocken: And I told you those things were dangerous.

Frank Drebin: Women

Ed Hocken: Men. Not to your health but mine as well

Frank Drebin: Spit it out

Ed Hocken: I will do no such a thing

Frank Drebin: There's only one thing for it. I'm going to have to put you out of my misery too

Ed Hocken: Oh?

Frank Drebin: I'm putting you in the corridor with that other guy Rooster I fried he's nothing but a coward too

Ed Hocken: But I don't like fried Chicken

Frank Drebin: Well you can both smoulder together tonite until you both go out..

Ed Hocken: On a date?

Frank Drebin: Like I said that's none of my business and I don't like dates

(within Frank's mindset) : I would've called him a cowardly lion but the chicken disguise gave it away...

Ed Hocken: I never realised Police work would be so tiring. I've built up quite an appetite

Frank Drebin: That's smoking for you. And remember you're more than welcome to chew on the gristle and save the wings for later.

Ed Hocken: But I prefer the breast

Frank Drebin: Doesn't any man. Its part of the perks of the job

Ed Hocken: This job in hand?

Frank Drebin: No not this one, definitely not this one. Try the other hand

Ed Hocken: Oh. Yes I see now

Frank Drebin: You need to take time off work and ease that stress

Ed Hocken: Okay. Hey look it's Shirley

Frank Drebin: Hi Shirley.

Shirley Shore: Hi Frank, how's Ed? Still into the cigarettes in the mouth routine

Frank Drebin: Yeah you? Still keeping safe with the wrapper?

Shirley Shore: Yeah. I'm on low Tar now thanks

Frank Drebin: Don't you take it with a filter?

Shirley Shore: Oh you know just rollups, the usual...

Ed Hocken: Shirley you are a sight for sore eyes, you saved me

Shirley Shore: Surely you can't be serious

Ed Hocken: I am serious

Frank Drebin: And she's a woman but that's not important right now

Ed Hocken: Listen I'm going for an early night cap

Shirley Shore: So am I

Frank Drebin: See you in the morning but I think the Rooster will wake you up before I do

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